Fire That Agency!

Pizza Boomerang

2012-01-12T16:26:00.000-05:00

By Skyler's Dad from Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps.

In honor of Katrocket's return to blogging, I thought I had better get a post up here on Fire That Agency.

I thought the Japanese made the most craptacular ads out there. Looks like this jewel from Spain? Mexico? might give them a run for their money.

It is billed as NSFW, and I was thinking "This is just weird" until the 1:45 mark.

Then, what has been seen cannot be un-seen!

Feast your eyes on how to sell pizza!

Nothing beats a great local ad!

2010-09-29T18:56:00.000-04:00

By Skyler's Dad from Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I have always enjoyed a really poorly done local TV ad. You know the kind I am talking about, usually a used car dealership or pawn shops, or some other soft, visceral underbelly of society.

Well look no further campers, because Sky-Dad has found a few of the worst examples that you will ever set eyes upon. Come join me in the carnage, and don't forget the bleach for your eyeballs.

Mo Money Taxes Insane Local Commercial - Watch more Funny Videos

I honestly don't know which scares me more, Mr Green or the Mo Money team.

Now tell me how in the hell that got by the boys in corporate?

EMBED-Worst Strip Club Commercial Ever - Watch more free videos

Nothing says classy like a good crotch bar commercial...

And finally, the cherry on the top of this sundae of crapola, feast your eyes on Shocantelle.

I am calling fake on that one, but I love it anyway.

Off Road Handling Characteristics

2010-06-02T10:42:00.002-04:00

We here at Fire That Agency are always happy when sharp-eyed commercial watchers find items that are worthy of submission to our little corner of the world. Such is the case with the always funny Scope, from Scope Tech who found these two examples of fine advertisements.

Nissan and Jeep are two of the leaders in off road vehicles designed for fun when you don't have pavement underneath you. I grew up in the mountains of Colorado and can attest to the importance of good suspension when out doing some serious 4-wheeling.

From the two examples, I think that we can gather that Jeep is trying to make the point that their vehicle is all about fun while Nissan attempts to extol the virtues of their independent front suspension.

I have driven both of these units, and can give you my completely unbiased opinion that while a hard front end can make for a few miles of rugged fun, independent suspension gives a much smother ride over the life of the unit.

See for yourself, first the Jeep:

Now the Nissan:

Thanks again Scope for taking the time out of your buy day to compare and contrast!

An homage to idiots

2010-05-12T02:00:00.004-04:00

Do you sometimes have problems with the most simple motor control issues? Are you constantly tasting things that cause you to barely control your gag reflex? Do all of your friends recoil in horror at pretty much every single thing you do? Does even your fricking PET hate you?!?!

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then we may have a product for you! See if you recognize yourself in any of these wonderful commercials for products that frankly, I don't know how you have lived so long without owning:

Old School

2010-03-18T06:40:00.000-04:00

by Katrocket from fotosynthesis

Internet banners are rarely featured on Fire That Agency!, but hey, I rarely contribute to this blog that I've neglected for so very long, so it's a fitting occasion for a comeback.

I saw this online ad last week and it compelled me to return here and ask you just WHAT THE FUCK DOES THE FRIGHTENED OLD MAN HAVE TO DO WITH A SCHOOL LOAN?!

Oh Agency, you are so fucking fired.

I understand that if I earn less than $45,000 a year, I'm totally going to need a grant to go back to school. I'm not sure how clicking on my state will help, but where you really lose me is with the photo.

What exactly is going on here? Grandpa's not going to the bathroom on his own, so I doubt he's up for college. So is this the guy who's granting money to qualified people? Do I have to rob this scared little man for tuition?!

Poor fella doesn't look well at all. Maybe he's just as confused as I am? "How the hell did my photo end up on the innerwebs? Goddamn kids!"

I guess on some level this works because they definitely got my attention. They also got me to come out of semi-retirement to tell the rest of you about it.

Goddamn kids.

Racist bad is really bad

2010-03-11T13:35:00.001-05:00

By Skylers Dad from Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Welcome back boys and girls to this little corner of the world where we like to point out what may be advertisements that didn't exactly hit the mark.

Sometimes what starts as a good idea in Bizarro world just needs to stay in that dimension, and not make it to the airwaves.

Consider the following examples:

Let's try and forgive the sin of cheap-assed wood shutters being used as a "set" that is a confessional, and get to mocking the priest with the shades on. I just tried to visualize my old priest with shades and I swear a lightning bolt hit the tree outside. Moving along...

Gary is one hilarious ass-hat, isn't he? Is there a stereotype he didn't go after? Did I miss something?

Funny Tequilabot Cantina Commercial - Watch more Funny Videos

Sure it's racist and sucks balls, but it really makes me want my very own Tequila-bot!!

Hire That Agency

2010-02-03T02:00:00.002-05:00

By Skylers Dad from Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps.

We here at the home office of Fire That Agency are generally in the business of mocking advertising. But today, I want to take a break from that and let you know about something that is really good, something that might just make a difference.

Those who know me are aware that my son Skyler was born 3 months premature, and as a result of a brain hemorrhage, was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. Skyler is closing in on his 19th birthday now, and our lives with him have been consumed with the effort of trying to get society to accept him and his disability. It is seldom easy, with most people content to make snap judgments about his abilities and immediately throw up roadblocks.

That is why I was excited to hear from Becky over at The PopEye about this particular ad campaign. It is by a group called "Think Beyond the Label" and it uses humor to make a point about employing workers who have a disability. Typical ads in the past that attempted to do this were public service announcements that depended on the generosity of networks or print media to give them time or space. This is a full on campaign to get the word out, and that is cool!

The ads are quite different than what you would expect, instead of taking the heavy handed and sober tone, they use humor to show that everyone in the workplace is disabled to some extent. Here is a quote from the article:

For instance, in a television commercial, a worker in a wheelchair points out her colleagues who “you could label as ‘different.’ ” Among them are a woman dressed in a nightmare wardrobe of clashing patterns, who is “fashion deficient”; a klutzy young man at the copier, who is “copy incapable”; and a shouting man who suffers from “volume control syndrome.” The punch line of the commercial is that the worker in the wheelchair is different, too: Her skills at a basic office function are so bad that she is labeled “coffee-making impaired.” Print ads introduce employers to a man in a suit whose awkward dance moves make him “rhythm impaired” and an awkward man who is hard to understand because he is “jargon prone.”

The ad with the worker who is rhythm impaired declares: “Just because someone moves a little differently doesn’t mean they can’t help move your business forward. The same goes for people with disabilities.”

The ad with the jargon-spouting worker reads: “Just because someone talks differently doesn’t mean they don’t bring something of value to the conversation. The same goes for people with disabilities.”

Here are some of the still shots from the WSJ article:

I really like the use of the Dymo-style labels across the faces of the people, because in the real world life of somebody with special needs, that is the very first thing that happens. You get a label. The world seems to have a need to assign somebody in a chair, or somebody who doesn't talk the same way as the rest with a label, when in fact everybody could get some type of a label if we wanted.

But like my friend Dan Wilkins over at The Nth Degree always said, "Labels are for jars, not for people".

For more information:
http://www.thinkbeyondthelabel.com/Default.aspx
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/29/business/media/29adco.html?emc=eta1

For Kat

2010-01-07T02:00:00.000-05:00

By Skylers Dad from Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps.

By now most of you are aware that Kat from RocketRadio has closed up shop to move on to greener pastures. As the owner and general manager of Fire That Agency she was kind enough to invite me to add my distinctive brand of commercial taste (read insanity) to this little corner of the world.

So I thought to myself, Sky-Dad, (I always refer to myself in third person) why not send her off in a manner most associated with bad advertisements and find a great commercial that shows just what we think of her? Great idea I answered myself, or at least one of the voices in my head mumbled some type of agreement... So off I went to the Internettubes in search of the perfect sendoff.

Well, the Google, she is a fickle bitch. When you want to find something that really hits the spot, you get about 20,000 hits of guys getting clobbered in the junk, or adult material, which is quite often the same thing.

So Kat, the best I could come up with is this spot from Cadillac, which is weak, but please accept it in the spirit in which it was intended. Not that you are a pasty old white dude getting a new job, but that you are moving on to a new place in your life, hopefully better, and bringing the rest of us along.

Fair winds and following seas my friend.

Oh Japan, How I love you!

2009-11-20T02:00:00.004-05:00

By Skylers Dad from Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps.

What would we do without our friends from the land of the "no holds barred" commercials? If you ever had a wacky idea that seemed like it would never fly, I am sure there is an agency in Asia that is more than willing to let their freak flag fly!

Witness the following examples:

Surprising Japanese Egg Toy - Watch more Funny Videos

Crazy Japanese Commercial - Watch more Funny Videos

Uh yeah... Do you think sex sells a bit over there?

But even better is their 21st century special effects when it comes to their cartoon characters on TV! This is the opening for the Japanese version of Spiderman. Of course they have to include some sort of transformer robot thing that has absolutely no connection to Spiderman, but it's all win!

What the hell were these people thinking?

2009-10-01T11:20:00.005-04:00

By Skylers Dad from Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps

Hello fans and fanettes, Skylers Dad here with another edition of what in the hell were these people thinking?!? I have been collecting only the very best in advertising for you all to enjoy, that's right, I do the work so you don't have to!! (or some other sort of obnoxious tag line...)

First out of the gate today is this fine entry from The Red House Furniture Store. White people shop there, black people shop there and they get along!! Towards the end they also mention something about expanics also, I am not sure what kind of people they are...

The Red House Furniture Store - Watch more Funny Videos

If you have all the furniture you need, but are missing out on some heavy firepower, drop on over to Don's Guns, where he just loves to rent guns!

Makes me want to shoot a desert eagle, whatever that is...

Finally, check out this winner for Wilkonson's Family Restaurant. Nothing sells the family atmosphere better than metal, lyrics that feature "The Witch's Teat, and missiles shooting down helicopters! Feast you eyes on this, and remember, kids under 3 eat for free.

This ad is so full of awesome and win it should be illegal!

Is it really this bad?

2009-08-06T03:00:00.001-04:00

By Skylers Dad from Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I don't work in the advertising business, (all together now, "But I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night!"), but having been associated with enough large corporations in my lifetime, I can really see this playing out.

Check out this wonderful clip on how things would work if a large agency designed the stop sign.

Japanese Ad Agency. Oxymoron? You be the judge.

2009-07-18T11:22:00.000-04:00

By Skylers Dad from Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Hello again from the dark cellar of the internettubes known as Sky-Dads mind! I have been collecting more wonderfulness to share with you all, aren't you thrilled?

Today's collection is from the fine ad agencies in Japan. At least I think they have ad agencies there, I will leave that up to you after you hopefully make it through all of this without passing out.

Let's start off with a Japanese commercial with our two business dudes stopping by the side of the road for a quick bio-break. One of them finds he has a special power? Put him on Heros? You be the judge:

Yeah, better get on that tea pronto...
And that was the most sane of this collection of oddities, read on brave viewer...

I don't know what creeps me out more, the use of the blond "dutch-boy" kid as the actor, or the marching peeps thingys selling noodles.

Still with me? Great, you are building up tolerance for what is to come.

I don't believe this is supposed to sell anything, just bring on seizures in the general public. After you get done with your visit from the paramedics, you can move on to another WTF commercial, part anime, part human, all cheese!

And what would a compilation of freaky Japanese commercials be without one that was so overtly sexual that you will need to have a smoke after watching it.

Steady yourselves now, here we go.

Succumb to white mixture!! I think I need to work that line into my daily conversations. You are now free to go back to your normal lives, and try to purge this whole post from your memory banks.

Good luck with that.

All My Children

2009-07-03T12:50:00.005-04:00

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

Sure, we're usually about dissing bad commercials here, but I had to post this Evian water ad. It is the greatest thing I've ever seen.

Tres Awfulness

2009-06-18T17:47:00.003-04:00

By Skylers Dad from Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps.

A lot of times when I am seeing a real crappy commercial I think to myself, "Well maybe their budget wasn't really big, or they are a small struggling company that doesn't know anything about making a commercial".

Or other times I think the ad company just missed the mark, or perhaps they were trying to be too "edgy".

And then you see something that is just so spectacular in it's awfulness, that you just keep watching over and over again. I recently found a couple of examples of what I am trying to explain to you while perusing the dark corners of the Internettubes.

These really should come with a disclaimer or something...

"Shaka Doobie!!!" Whatever the fuck that means...

Next up is none other than the governator himself, Ahhhhnold in a Japanese commercial that I defy you to tell me what it's trying to sell, besides the obvious answer, a drink.

And Arnold told us it wasn't a tooomah...

Last up is this fantastic piece of crap for a legal firm that specializes in, well, horrific fiery car crashes I guess.

Ridiculous Insurance Commercial - watch more funny videos

Mr. Berger will pry what's left of your burnt corpse out of that auto and get you what you deserve!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled sanity.

Forgotten Classic Commerical

2009-05-23T18:35:00.003-04:00

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

As those of you who read my blog know, I post a "Forgotten Classic Video" every week. When I came across this old commercial on Facebook today, I considered posting it as my forgotten classic, even though it isn't technically a video. (Even if it is more "'80s video" than any '80s video I've ever seen.) Luckily, I have this blog as an outlet too, because I couldn't NOT post this thing of beauty. If you were alive in 1985, there is no reason why you shouldn't remember this. It is the most awesome car commercial ever for one of the least awesome cars ever - the Plymouth Duster.

Seriously, who writes jingles like that anymore? How do you even fit the words "my Plymouth Turismo Duster" into a song and make it sound good?? This is, like, 100 times better than that craptastic new American Idol single.

I used to love this commercial so much. I knew all the words and sang it all the time. And I wanted nothing more than to finally reach driving age so I could buy a Duster of my own and zoom off into some bitchin' world that looked like the "What About Love" set, where everyone knew how to do splits and flips and wore the coolest clothes.

Turns out, by the time I was able to get my own car, they had stopped making Dusters, but I did come close. My first ride was a Plymouth Reliant, known for its super-sexy boxiness. Unfortunately, it never inspired anyone to sing and dance around it. (Ah, the good ol' K-car. I destroyed that poor thing.)

I had completely forgotten that Finola Hughes was in this commercial. You know, Olivia Newton-John was always my idol, but Finola just shot up in my estimation. I mean, she got to do the Duster commercial and dance with a loincloth-clad John Travolta. I would never complain about my life if I had those two totally rad items on my résumé. So, I certainly don't feel bad that she's stuck on that stupid How Do I Look? show now (if that's even still on).

I'm sure that's not Finola singing though (I read an interview where she admits to having a horrible voice), and I've been Googling like mad trying to uncover the voice behind the curtain with no luck. If anyone knows, do tell. You'll be my hero.

Boycott AT&T Over Offensive Ad!

2009-05-19T14:06:00.003-04:00

The following is an open letter to AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson:

Dear Mr. Stephenson,

The undersigned urge you cease airing the above television commercial known as "Falling for You."

It is deeply offensive since it causes viewers to get a little choked up when aired. This is uncalled for. With its sensitive acoustic music and clips of an adorable couple separated by distance, but kept in touch via your services - the commercial is almost too sensitive and sweet to bear.

And finally, when the guy texts a picture of his girlfriend as he walks up behind her? She runs to his welcoming arms as the commercial ends. We, the undersigned, do not need this type of sensitivity and emotion bringing us to tears every time we turn on the television.

Additionally, the commercial implies all men should do something sweet and sensitive for their significant others, placing undue pressure on the undersigned to live up to the commercial's adorable appeal. This is too great a burden for the undersigned.

We the undersigned will stage a full boycott of your services until this commercial is taken off the air.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

Misadventures in Photography

2009-05-06T20:03:00.005-04:00

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

Maybe I have an especially dirty mind, but I happened upon the T.J. Maxx website today (no, I do not shop at that hell hole) and was immediately disturbed by the picture on the main page. You tell me. Am I just sick, or is this an unfortunate photo choice?

Drop Stop It Like It's Hot

2009-04-20T10:10:00.000-04:00

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

Here is an infomercial for Drop Stop - a product that is absolutely of no use to me now that I rely solely on public transportation. (I'm still waiting not-so-patiently for someone to invent a heavy-duty, special subway car deodorizer. Smell Quell or Stench Bench, something like that.) But many of you do drive around in fancy horseless carriages, so this could be of use to you. Especially if you have a bad case of the buttahfingas.

The first thing I must say about this product is that it can't help the guy who drops his keys and cell phone. That guy has bigger problems. Maybe he has arthritis. Maybe his palms sweat profusely. Maybe he was born with two left hands. Or maybe he's just a simpleton. I'm leaning towards the last one. Seriously, who picks up their keys, holds them at eye level, then switches them to the hand opposite of where the ignition is before starting up the car?? And he picked up that cell phone like he just painted his nails and was afraid to touch anything.

Secondly, sure it's a nice idea and probably pretty convenient, but a Drop Stop is $20?? Seriously? No little piece of rubber is worth $20, unless it can keep you safe from STDs too. And since that's not mentioned as one of the product features, I'm guessing that it can't. I can think of at least 500 more useful things that I could buy with $20. Drivers, save your money. Just take one of the small ShamWows, roll it up and stick it in the crack next to your car seat. Problem solved.

Speaking of the ShamWow, the biggest problem I have with the Drop Stop commercial is with its spokesmen. Apparently, they're the inventors of the product. I understand that they want to give their ad a personal touch, but they're so not cut out for this line of work. It takes two of them to do the work of one Billy Mays or Vince Shlomi, and they don't even do it that well. Is it really necessary for them to prattle on and on for more than half of the entire length of the commercial about how great they are for inventing this thing (again, a piece of rubber with a hole in it), and having multiple test subjects (including a future version of Nikki Sixx) agree that it's very useful? No, it isn't. This commercial peaked with the mwah-mwah trombone sound effects, and it should have ended at 1:50, if not sooner.

Although shortening it certainly would have helped, the sad truth is that, nowadays, if an infomercial product isn't being hawked by Billy or Vince, most of us aren't gonna call today. We're gonna delay. I know that using Vince may seem like a risk, ever since his recent problems with the law, but how great would it be to see Vince rolling up next to a hooker, leaning over to the passenger-side window to pay her, then dropping his money into the crevice between his seat and the console. Unreachable! Now, he's gonna get slap-chopped by an angry pimp! That wouldn't have happened if he'd had the Drop Stop!

Hitting to all fields

2009-04-13T11:20:00.003-04:00

By Skylers Dad from Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Because some of you might have missed it when I posted it on my own blog, here is a repeat performance of "Home Invasion"...

Watch it through to the end. Holy crapadoodle, what a weird ad.

But I laughed of course!

And for anybody who is so damn tired of those Pizza Hut commercials that show the diners in Italy getting tricked into eating shitty Pizza Hut pasta on their fabulous vacation, here is a parody that you are going to love. It has it all, bad language, firearms, rubber penis's and yes, the ability to vomit on command.

Pasta Hut - The Fall of Tuscani's - watch more funny videos

What!? You're still here? OK, as a reward for sticking it out this long, here is Mr. T (Sans gold chains) helping to sell the Flavor Wave Oven. "My Tastes buds is goin wild!"

What Agency?

2009-03-20T01:00:00.004-04:00

By Skylers Dad from Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I know that the name of this blog is "Fire That Agency", but these two uber-awful spots could not possibly have an agency behind them. Even the worst Ad agency has to have just a molecule of dignity or an iota of creativity, doesn't it? Let's examine these two spots and I will let you form your own opinion.

Example #1 is an ad using a "Sports Star" to hawk his own BBQ Sauce. Oh how the Fridge has slipped through the years. From Super Bowl shuffle to pushing his own special sauce. If having William Perry sell something isn't enough, we see that no money was spared on the finest special effects and production values. I could hardly tell surfer boy wasn't actually hanging 10 at North Shore.

Example #2 is what I imagine all those old KGB guys from the Soviet Union are doing these days now that the cold war is over. They are over here continuing to torture the USA by subjecting us to really bad ads. Given the choice between the James Bond nad clubbing or repeated viewings of this next spot, I would honestly have to think it over!

Or, perhaps this guy isn't from the KGB, and was just a tad too close to Chernobyl?

Whatever, have a gander at Crazy Gideon:

Crazy Gideon's Insane Deals! - Watch more Funny Videos

What's you take? Agency, or a brother-in-law with a video camera offering his services?

Chew on This

2009-02-25T05:32:00.015-05:00

by Katrocket

It's not easy for an advertising agency to launch a new brand of chewing gum. The market is oversaturated with gimmicky, mouth-assaulting flavours and textures, and I suspect that the majority of people who enjoy chewing gum have already settled on a long term favourite from their youth, some of which may include very unfunny comics from the 1940s (I'm lookin' at YOU, Bazooka Joe).

Here's two new gum brands with two different approaches to advertising - physical comedy vs. special effects - with one clear winner.

I don't have any official marketing data on this, but I'm guessing the primary demographic for chewing gum is likely around ages 12-24, a powerful consumer group that demands high production values and edgy visuals, so it's not surprising that BBDO went apeshit with some crazy CG and elaborate sets for their "Stimulate Your Senses" campaign for Wrigley's "5" Gum:

Campaign: "Stimulate Your Senses" for Wrigley's 5 Gum
Fire That Agency!: Energy BBDO Chicago / AMV BBDO London

Spot 1: Flare (Cinnamon)

This could be my age talking, but when I chew gum, I'm not all that interested in having a Lara Croft experience. I just want some fresh breath, man - no need for extreme sports. I also like to know what flavour I'm about to chew, so please stop naming your product after drag queens.

Spot 2: Elixer (Mouthwatering Berry)

Another Tomb Raideresque adventure in gum chewing. This time, Lara's trapped in a bizarre purple Kool-Aid flood tube and apparently loving it. This ad always reminds me of that Simpson's episode where Rainer Wolfcastle is assaulted by a tidal wave of nuclear waste: "My eyes! The goggles do nothing!".

Spot 3: Lush (Crisp Tropical)

Can we all agree that getting bombed by sticky bits of citrus is not the most desirable or refreshing feeling ever? This commercial gives me the sudden urge to shower. I'd like to see the footage taken 2 minutes later when the giant bee swarm shows up for sloppy seconds.

Spot 4: Rain (Spearmint)

Okay, this is just plain ridiculous. If I wanted to lie down with metal balls and the world's biggest speakers, I'd be sleeping with Lemmy from Motorhead.

Spot 5: Cobalt (Peppermint)

I think someone at BBDO may have watched Running Man the night before this pitch. This ad might be slightly more enjoyable if the Hockey Death Squad was allowed to play along.

Campaign: "Spit It Out" for Cadbury Adams USA LLC's Stride Gum
Hire That Agency!: JWT New York

JWT takes the perceived weakness of the Stride brand (long-lasting flavour = reduced consumption of product) and literally knocks it on its ass with a stealth groin shot from an angry ram. It's unexpected, it's hilarious, it's a cheaper ad to produce, and it effectively communicates the brand's message without insulting our intelligence. Well played.

I come from the land down under

2009-02-20T11:10:00.008-05:00

By Skylers Dad from Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps.

As a followup to this post, I decided to share another item from the land down under. When I think of the Aussies, my mind brings up images of manly men. Guys like Hugh Jackman, Paul Hogan as Crocodile Dundee, and Mel Gibson in an apocalyptic future fighting off members of Kiss on steroids.

Then, while pursuing Boards Magazine, I stumble across this... this... well, I don't even know what to call this steaming hot cowpie. It's not really an ad, it's not really a Public Service Announcement, it carries the title of "The Importance of Awards in Advertising". It is done by the production company Revolver for the Australian Writers and Art Directors Association.

I must be some sort of masochist, because like driving by a horrific crash site and slowing down to see if you can spot the decapitated head still rolling across the pavement, I sit here mesmerized.

Jesus tap-dancing Christ I need help...

Let's see how much more creeped out I can feel

2009-02-15T10:52:00.001-05:00

By Skylers Dad from Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps.

When I first saw this I thought it wasn't a Public Service Announcement or commercial, but some type of really bad attempt at humor. It really wasn't until I was towards the end, and feeling way too skeeved out, "if you know what I mean", that I figured out it was a PSA.

OK, I get it. In order to prove your point you have to get us all a bit out of our comfort zone. But the mom's face as she adores her husbands banter about not telling mommy is way too disconcerting for me. And believe me, it takes a lot to put me off!

Oh, Yes, I Suppose There Were Some Commercials During The Super Bowl

2009-02-03T02:36:00.004-05:00

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

Wow! Did you guys catch those Super Bowl ads? Did they not make up some of the most exciting and historic moments in Super Bowl history?? Like when that Clydesdale intercepted Alec Baldwin's pass and returned it 100 yards for a TD to end the first quarter? Or when the E-Trade baby caught that bag of Doritos deep in the right corner of the end zone with only 35 seconds left in the game? Brilliance, people. Sheer brilliance.

Okay, so if you didn't already know, you might be getting the sense that the Super Bowl itself was much more important to me than the commercials. And, although it damn well was, I did manage to pick out several ads that I liked. This was especially quite a feat in the 4th Quarter, considering that my heart actually stopped a couple of times.

I realize that we tend to focus on ridiculing "badvertising" here at FTA, but I am in a damn good mood and will, therefore, give some love to the best of this year's Super Bowl commercials.

1st Quarter
Like its last play, the 1st quarter's last commercial was the best. Even though I hate Budweiser because it's kind of shitty and always gives me a throbbing headache, I adore any of their commercials with the Clydesdales and that beer-loving Dalmatian.

Budweiser "Fetch"

Honorable mention: Conan O'Brien's Bud Light spot was a vroom vroom party starter!

2nd Quarter
It's the triumphant return of the E-Trade baby! I realize that most of America is still split over the whole talking baby issue, and while I agree that such things are usually creepy, this particular baby never fails to crack me up. And baby's new friend spontaneously bursting into a Mr. Mister '80s classic nearly had me choking on my meatball sandwich. (See, Bruce? Not ALL of America was eating chicken fingers.)

E-Trade Babies, "Broken Wings"

Honorable mention: The ultimate point behind the Cars.com "David Abernathy" ad was weak, but everything up until the sell was pretty funny.

3rd Quarter
Commercials about job suckage are always good. And while this year's CareerBuilder spot wasn't as funny as their previous monkey campaign, how often do you get to see a bespectacled Koala get punched in the face?

CareerBuilder.com, "Hate Work"

Honorable mention: It wasn't funny, but I loved the Coca Cola "Picnic" commercial. The special effects were cool and the whole thing was just very cute and clever, especially the ending where the Coke was poured into the leaves.

4th Quarter
The last quarter had the highest percentage of good commercial spots, and they weren't the only "spots" I was seeing at that point.

Hulu, Alec Baldwin
Mmmmmmmmm...cerebral mush.

Cash 4 Gold, MC Hammer/Ed McMahon
My gold sledgehammer!

Honorable mention: Will Forte's foray into commercials with his SNL character MacGruber aka Pepsuber, also starring Kristin Wiig and Richard Dean "MacGyver" Anderson.

My favorite commercial of all also came in the last quarter, and it should shock no one that it was a Steelers-related ad. When the Troy Polamalu Coke Zero spot started, I was actually annoyed, thinking that they were going to do a frame-by-frame ripoff of the classic Mean Joe Green commercial. However, the ad poked fun at how lame that would really be and...well, it starred Troy Polamalu so it was AWESOME!!! And so was the game!!! STEELERS, BABY!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!!

Coke Zero, Troy Polamalu/Brand Managers

I'd also like to share my favorite Super Bowl-related print ad, which I saw in Monday's Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. I couldn't fit the whole page in, so just make a note that this ad is brought to us by the good folks at Highmark.

Whoever Highmark's ad agency is really knows us Southwestern Pennsylvanians. Just combine two of our favorite things - fuzzy rodents and football - and we're happy. There's only one way that ad could be better, and that would be if Punxsy Phil were eating a Smiley cookie.

2009 Superbowl Ads: Hyundai's World Domination

2009-02-02T20:41:00.003-05:00

From the Imaginary Reviewer at the Imaginary Review

Football, like many team sports, can be seen as a metaphor for war. There's the need to gain territory, offensive and defensive strategies, the crushing desire for victory and, of course, the metal hats that keep your head from getting hurt.

So maybe it was just because it was shown within the context of the Superbowl that this ad brought to mind a certain - how can I put this? - international conflict.

Is it just me? Am I the only one here who sees businessmen from a Japanese company and a German company getting all upset about Hyundai's success, and thinks, "Heh, in your face AGAIN, Axis Powers!"? There's points in this ad when I feel like I'm watching that scene from the film Downfall when Adolf is going mental in the bunker, only instead of realising he's lost the war, he's realising that his company's dominance in the North American luxury vehicle market is being eroded by an up-and-coming Korean car manufacturer.

It's like the ad is suggesting that in some way, Hyundai is somehow preventing a potential rise in global facism by keeping BMW and Lexus in check. I'm not crazy, am I? Isn't that the beginning of the theme music to The Dambusters playing in the background?

Pause the ad at 29 seconds: doesn't the big screen show a split second from the end of The Great Escape, with Steve McQueen jumping over the fence on a motorcycle? A Hyundai motorcycle? No, wait, maybe I am going crazy. I should probably close my eyes and count to ten.

Christ, this ad makes me want to buy a Hyundai, and not because I like the cars, not because I need one, but because I feel like I'd be helping out with the war effort! Never mind that the war ended more than sixty years ago, you can't be too careful when the freedom of the world is at stake! Sign me up for two, and I'll take some war bonds while you're at it!

I tell you what, though: Ferrari must be pissed that they didn't make it into this ad. Just saying.

2009 Superbowl Ads: Doritos 2

2009-02-01T14:23:00.000-05:00

by pistols at dawn of save your generation

In this second Doritos ad apparently airing this evening, we learn a lesson thanks to familiar character in the Commedia dell'arte of advertising stereotypes - the 20something Slacker Dude.

As the ad opens, Dude is taunting his roommate's cat with a laser pointer, a poignant metaphor for the endless, Sisyphean tasks that comprise all our lives, hours spent grasping at straws that turn out never to have been there at all, leaving us empty vessels which only process pain into slightly more tolerable pain via a soul-deadening process of hard liquor, drugs, passionless coupling, and snack chips.

Knowing this, and egged on by his angry girlfriend, Dude's roommate taunts Dude similarly - with moving Doritos. Dude then proceeds to chase said Doritos, and numerous pratfalls - allegedly comic ones - ensue.

There is but one problem with this: as a huge fan of Doritos, I can tell you that no huge fan of Doritos can get up off the couch, much less chase a moving bag of Doritos around a room. One of the main reasons fat guys love Doritos is because, unlike women who want "dinner" and "you not to stare at their boobs" and "you to get their consent before filming them doing it with you," Doritos never play hard to get.

Also, taunting a cat is still okay, because cats are dumb, as they lack the single most important aspect of intelligent life: the ability to establish mercantile systems with the end result of enabling its participants to purchase Doritos.

Pistols and a 2009 Superbowl Doritos Ad: The Perfect Storm

2009-02-01T11:00:00.006-05:00

If there's one thing people value in both jokes and ads, it's originality. So today, when you're watching what advertisers call "The Big Game," because the term "The Super Bowl" is trademarked or copyrighted or whatever and can only be used with hefty licensing fees, make sure to say, "Sometimes, the commercials are better than the game!" because no one in the history of time has ever said that before, you effing Oscar Wilde.

Your witty repartee thus established for the evening, let's turn to an ad for All That Is Good And True In This World: Doritos.

This ad, which I suppose we should call "The Power of Crunch," since "Backdoor Vixens #8" is already taken by a very popular (with me) DVD series - starts off with a fairly plausible thesis: that Doritos are crunchy enough to have magical/sonic force level powers.

Naturally, our male protagonist's first use of this power (as it inevitably was in every single movie in the 1980s where a male gained magical powers, be it Zapped!, Zapped Again, or School Spirit) is to rip the clothes off of an attractive woman, leaving her in her incredibly ornate underthings.

(Note: if these movies and fantasy scenes are to be believed, women always wear a matching set of sexy-yet-not-actually-that-revealing bra and panties, as well as stockings and a garter belt. Having lived with women upon whom I used my magical powers (read: roofies) to undress them regularly, I can say that this is, unfortunately, not always the case.)

Somehow, our hero decides to not just use this version of the power and disrobe every semi-attractive woman around (showing the director's disdain for realism), and instead aims the crunch power of Doritos at an ATM. While this is an apparently easy way to earn extra money to buy more Doritos, it does raise the important question: how do we ensure that terrorists never learn of the explosive crunch power of Doritos? Sure, I do my part by eating four bags a week, but I'm only one man (unless you weigh me, in which case, I'm technically two).

As money pours out of the ATM, a man who appears to be a stripper dressed as a police officer gets out of his cop car to restore order. "Not so fast," our anarchic, devil-may-care protagonist says (via his actions, the way a real man "speaks"), biting a chip in Johnny Law's direction.

Naturally, instead of knocking his clothes off, as it did to the attractive woman just eight seconds ago, it turns the cop into a capuchin monkey (easily one of the four funniest monkeys one can be turned into), because Doritos inherently know that the male body is hideous and should never be seen unclothed, and adjust their crunch power accordingly from "extremely localized gale-force winds" to "transmogrification."

Then, as if all this weren't enough, the protagonist gets hit by a bus.

So, in short, if you buy Doritos, you will gain magical powers that will enable you to kind of see parts of the breasts of attractive women, destroy our financial systems via attacks on innocent ATMs, and mock the efforts of law enforcement to reign in your crunch-based Reign of Terror. And yet still, you will be brought low by the oldest trick in the "we need an allegedly funny end to our ad, and we've got 1.7 seconds to do it in" book: cheap physical humor.

It's really a metaphor for life.

2009 Superbowl Commercials - PEDIGREE

2009-01-30T16:17:00.008-05:00

By Skylers Dad from Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Ahh yes, the Superbowl. Whether or not you like football doesn't mean diddly squat because it is also big dollar commercial time, and advertisers trot out their best to premier to the largest TV viewing audience in the US.

PEDIGREE is running an ad about alternative pets that some people have decided to get, and the point at the end is that perhaps they should have thought about a dog. It's pretty funny, which always works in my book.

But the best part about the commercial is that they have also produced 4 "Behind the scenes" commercials which I think are even better!

Here is the main spot:

Behind the scene video #1:

"His droppings are like golden eggs of money" - The best is the roommate though...

Behind the scene video #2:

"I've leaned to stay away during mating season"... Classic!

Behind the scene video #3:

"You know that swine ain't my kind"... Love it!

And the final behind the scene video #4:

I started knitting little horn holders... Even better with the horrible singing and guitar playing!

Hear This

2009-01-25T18:23:00.005-05:00

by the Guv'ner from Psycho Secretary

Has anyone seen this disturbing little piece of advertising? It's for a nasty little surveillance device called the "Listen-In" and the commercial irks the living shit out of me every time I see it. Which is every ten minutes lately.

A couple of things:

Isn't it illegal, or at least deeply immoral, to eavesdrop on private conversations using a spy device? Sure, they say you can hear the TV better when it's on quietly, but what they really mean is, "Hey, you can totally hear what that bitch across the street there is saying about you behind your back, then blackmail her later!"

Plus what about that woman at the start? Surely there's some award for someone that irritating? I mean she needs a beating bad. The dude is obviously terrified of her as he makes rubber-faced, apologetic expressions whenever she barks at him. As soon as that guy wants to do anything remotely fun, she's on at him to turn it down so she can hear her obviously riveting phone conversation.

Because that chick is always on the phone. Not once do you hear the husband say, "Jeez woman, fuck off into another room to talk about your gall bladder!" Not once does he say, "Maybe YOU should keep it down, Billy Mays!" Not one time does he punch her in the face and yell, "DIE IN A FIRE, BITCH!" No, he just looks comically terrified and a little disappointed.

And if you're the sort of person who wears one of those devices to take out the garbage on the off chance you can catch the neighbors talking about you, you need serious help, lady. I can't help thinking the ad would be so much more fun if the two chicks were saying, "Have you met the new neighbors, he seems nice and in fact, I shagged him in my kitchen yesterday when he came over to borrow some sugar! Did you see his wife - she's a HORSE!"

Also here's a thought. If you want to hear music while other people are asleep they have this new thing now called "headphones" where you put them over your ears and hear the music REALLY FUCKING LOUDLY and no one else can hear AT ALL. I know, right? It's like magic! All the youngsters are using them nowadays!

My favorite is the part where the smug guy is at the gym listening to two bimbos discussing how hot he is. Here's a thought for YOU, sonny. Maybe if you're spying on people's conversations about you, it would be prudent to NOT HOLD THE DEVICE IN THE AIR IN FRONT OF YOU for the world to see. At the best they're going to know what you're doing and kick you in the nuts (and Lord knows I want to kick you in the nuts) and at the worst they're going to think it's a WALKMAN and think you're hopelessly living in 1984.

And it's a "great way to keep an ear on the children when they're out of range"? I can just imagine the pandemonium when mom hears little Jenny say one of the following:

"Pot is for pussies, got any crack?"
"I don't see any puppies in your van, mister!"
"Five for a hand job, fifteen for a blow job, Principal."

It will end in tears, I'm telling ya.

Does This Policy Cover Flux Capacitor Damage?

2009-01-23T14:10:00.004-05:00

By Skylers Dad from Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Updated: Because Beckeye is a demanding, albeit clever bitch, a post title has been added. Thanks Beckeye!

Some days you stumble across a video or commercial that is such a white-hot mess you don't know whether to laugh or poke both your eyes out with a spork.

This wonderful piece of marketing has it all:

Bad acting? Check
Bad Music? Check
Incredibly bad rip-off of a movie? Double Check!
Horrendous special effects? Let's just say that my son's middle school video class turned out a better product.

From the opening 5 seconds of dead air they just left in, cause you know, it costs a lot to do things twice, to the poorly disguised porn movie within the commercial (see 15 seconds, "Isn't there anything I can do?) it just keeps insulting your senses. The guy doing Christopher Lloyd's character of Dr. Emmitt Brown seems to think he is supposed to do him as Adam Sandler! But nothing is quite as bad as the arm pushing the toy dino through the shot.

Well done Insurance King, I am turning over the house and the car to you today!

Ford F-150: Taking a Man Step to Gay Town

2009-01-21T10:05:00.000-05:00

by Pistols at Dawn of save your generation

As discussed yesterday (I could link to it, or you could scroll down, hero), Howie Long and Chevy are here to chew gum and kick ass, and they're all out of chewing gum.

In the second Howie Long Chevy ad that shows that these particular ad execs still have a fourth grade view of male sexuality and gender roles, the masculine Mr. Long is at the lumber yard, loading a palette jack's worth of Large, Heavy Bags Of Concrete into his Silverado.

Next to him, a Prancing Sissy in a Ford F-150 (the "F" stands for "Loves to Fellate Dudes") is using his truck's "Man Step" to get out of the bed of his truck, in which he has tied down a comically oversized wooden birdfeeder. Sure, no person I know would ever think of the lumberyard as a perfect place to buy a birdfeeder, but that's because everyone I know hates birds and hopes they all starve to death. Especially ospreys.

While attempting to get down out of his truck, F-150 Man (who initially misses the step, since all men who aren't Howie Long are incapable of even walking without incident) moves in a manner that indicates he either has a hernia or has just had a week's worth of nonstop vigorous gay sex with a team of incredibly endowed male elephants. A few steps into his "lady penguin on her period" walk, Howie roguishly informs him that he's left his "uh, man step" down. The man then fixes this problem while facially throwing a bitch fit worthy of Bette Davis' or Joan Crawford's finest work.

All in all, the Chevy Silverado ad strategy is clear: trucks that have features that the Silverado doesn't are for clumsy homosexuals. Hence, if you buy those trucks, you are a clumsy homosexual. Lastly, the Chevrolet company hates homosexuals, and finds their lifestyle and mannerisms something worth spending millions of dollars mocking in a national ad campaign.

I can't imagine why American car companies are in trouble.

Finally, Someone Speaks Out Against the Pickup Truck Industry's Secret Homosexual Agenda

2009-01-20T11:18:00.001-05:00

by Pistols at Dawn of save your generation

Usually, when I'm watching my court-ordered 18 hours of football per week, I don't see a single commercial thanks to the majesty of my DVR. However, this weekend, I made the mistake of leaving my house to watch the games, and thus, subjected myself to hours of crappy ads, possibly three of which weren't truck-related.

And thank God for that, because after viewing about 3,000 Howie Long-centered ads for the Chevy Silverado, I learned an important lesson: buying any pickup truck that isn't a Silverado means you're gayer than Perez Hilton singing along to an Elton John/Indigo Girls duet in P-town at an Advocate benefit concert for animal shelters named after Barbara Streisand movies.

First of all, there's the "Manicure" ad.

In this spot, a fancy City Gay accidentally backs his Dodge Ram into Howie Long's Silverado while attempting to parallel park it. Note that even in the act of parallel parking, the Silverado is the dominant Top, while the Ram is a submissive bottom.

Ram Man's gender treason doesn't end there. While Howie magnanimously accepts his apology with a suave, "it happens," Howie's gaze is drawn to the man's hands resting on what Howie instantly identifies as "a heated steering wheel." It's unclear how Howie does this, as there is nothing about the steering wheel to identify it as such (like, for example, a rainbow color scheme, pictures of Judy Garland, or a built-in mp3 player with Kylie Minogue dance tracks on it), but such are the wonders of Howie Long.

Ram Man instantly denies this accusation, clearly in the closet about the Second Most Important Issue To All Gay Men: whether or not their pickup truck's steering wheel is heated. Then, like a classic self-loathing queer, he reverses himself and admits it, exposing his shame to a complete stranger as if it were his penis in the glory hole of a men's room in a West Hollywood nightclub.

Howie, reveling in this inquisition, continues. "Is that a manicure?" he asks, oddly fixated on the man's hands and steering wheel for someone embracing all that is Good And Straight About Truck Ownership. Ram Man can only laugh awkwardly. Howie smirks demeaningly at him, pats him harshly on the chest, and walks away, presumably to have sex with numerous women while drinking a brew dog and watching an MMA fight with a John Wayne movie in the picture-in-picture box.

As Howie gets in his truck to drive off into that Totally Straight Future, somehow, the Ram has vanished instantly, clearly indicating that Chevrolet wants all homosexuals (and their pickup trucks) to disappear entirely from the face of the Earth.

However, a vestige remains: the likely reason for Ram Man parking on that block is revealed in the upper right corner of the frame – a marquee for the ever-popular "Theater" indicating a "Film Fest, Mon – Fri."

It goes without saying that there is nothing – short of having gay sex while driving a Dodge Ram – gayer than a film festival. Worse still, the film festival is held during the work week, because everyone knows Gay Pickup Driving Men don't have jobs and live like welfare queens off the tax dollars of straight people.

The only question that the ad doesn't answer is why Howie's parked on this block, sitting in his truck while men in gay pickup trucks attempt to parallel park so that he can take careful notice of their hands. I'm assuming it's because there's a Huge Hardware Store For Salt Of The Earth Types just across the street.

That, or he's cruising for twinks.

Tomorrow, Part Two of This Series: The Man Step.

Slap-Happy Vince

2009-01-19T16:37:00.004-05:00

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

Just when you thought that Vince (of ShamWow fame) was just to be a supernova, gradually disappearing until forgotten from the infomercial universe ruled by Billy Mays, he's returned to fight for his star status.

While nearly everything is hilariously wrong with the ShamWow infomercial, the new spot for the Slap Chop is just plain hilarious. It seems that Vince has realized what a tool he is, and is now parodying himself all for the glory of the Slap Chop.

Why this infomercial will sell 40 million Slap Chops:

1. Sex sells, and there are plenty of sexual innuendos to go around here. Such as...

:02 - You're gonna be in a great mood all day because you're gonna be slapping your troubles away.
:32 - This thing...this tuna? Looks boring. Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life.
:55 - You're gonna love my nuts.
1:04 - If I can do it with one finger, you guys can do it with your whole hand.

2. Vince will berate you like the fat, non-vegetable eating pig that you are if you don't buy this product!

:15 - Ya love salad, ya hate making it. You KNOW you hate making salads! That's why you don't have any salad in your diet! Hey, ears open, mouth shut!!Do NOT back-sass me! I will slap chop you to Kingdom Come! I'm Vince, dammit!
:22 - I love pizza too, but once in a while, get the veggies in. You Pizza the Hutt-looking bastard. Look at you, you've got pizza sauce all over your shirt, you worthless slob. Jesus, take a walk or something! Go to the gym once in a while! I know Tony Little, lemme hook you up with a Gazelle.
2:05 - Guys, we're gonna make America skinny again...one slap at a time! I can slap all day, Tubby. And I have absolutely nowhere else to be. Just try me.

3. It pops open like a butterfly. Have you ever seen anything so beautiful??

4. All those other chopping machines on the market? Bacteria traps! Worthless! Fuhgettaboutit!!

5. At 1:35, while illustrating the above point, Vince tosses a competitor's product into the sink behind him. I have it on good authority that he made it on the first take. Do you think Billy Mays could've done that? Heck no! Vince is a pro, people!

6. Every time you cut an onion the old-fashioned way, you make Vince cry. You think about that now, you selfish, heartless, knife-wielding lunatics.

7. Did you see that onion skin come off at the 2-minute mark?? That was amazing! What do you mean you didn't see it? There was an arrow pointing right to it, you idiot! How much easier can the Slap Chop people make this for you? Oh, why don't you go eat another slice of your double cheese pizza, pig!

8. Vince has got more rhymes than Nipsy Russell. (2:30)

9. He's giving you a free Graty. Just take it and shut up.

10. YOU KNOW HE CAN'T DO THIS ALL DAY, RIGHT?? Time is of the essence, people. You following me? I think you are.

My only concern about this product is that it's not made in Germany and, therefore, will most likely fall apart after 2-3 uses.

But Is One Sheet Enough to Wipe Up This Mess of an Ad?

2009-01-17T12:04:00.006-05:00

by Katrocket from Rocketradio

This commercial for Bounty Paper Towels makes me wanna choke this father and son:

Are you kidding me, family? Maybe instead of mathematically debating the surface area of the spill, you should just CLEAN THE DAMN THING UP. I mean, it's heading straight for the rug, you idiots! Oh, right, I forgot - maybe if you stand around with your hands on your knees and discuss your attack plan for the spill, a woman will eventually show up and do it for you. And check out how cheery she is about the whole thing. "Oh, no worries, la dee dah!" Yeah, right lady. I don't know any real moms who could restrain themselves from tearing this lot a new bunghole.

Aside from the overwhelming sexism of this ad, I also don't know any consumers who actually choose the "one sheeter" option. I know that when there's a cola tsunami threatening to stain my rugs, I rush in and take a big ol' spin off that roll like it was the Big Wheel Showcase Showdown on The Price is Right. Or better yet... I follow Vince's advice and use my ShamWow!

I propose that Proctor & Gamble should "Fire That Agency!", and hire this brilliant young man named Zach to produce all future television ads for their Bounty brand. I think he's hilarious:

And if Zach isn't available, maybe they need to reanimate that awesome diner dame, Rosie... she didn't take crap from Harry or any other Clumsy McSpillers on her watch:

Identical Ads

2009-01-14T11:34:00.006-05:00

by Michael Roesler from i am playing outside

The Multiple Sclerosis fund raising commercial goes like this:

The Phillips Arcitec Shaver commercial goes like this:
(apologies for bad video quality, but this is the only full-length version on the web. Go here for higher quality short version.)

The two cents from Michael:

I saw these two commercials within 24 hours of each other, both on CNN. How the hell did this happen? My best guess is that one ad agency is lacking ideas. Did the MS people need a cheap commercial [since they're trying to raise money, not spend it], so they just stole Phillips' idea? Did Phillips think 'Hey, lets be assholes? Razors are way cooler than stopping MS?' And why is CNN dumb enough to be airing identical commercials? Haven't they noticed that something is up?

Whatever the outcome, I think its pretty tacky that a razor is putting itself up against fighting a disease.

Tsk tsk.

And two more cents from the Editor (Katrocket):

The people who schedule commercials work in a department called "Traffic". I used to be a Traffic Manager, and I assure you that the staff at TV networks don't actually view any ad content before scheduling airtime, so they would never know that the scripts for these two ads are similar. Scripts are read and approved ahead of time by Advertising Standards Councils (a sort of censor board), and given a pass or fail based solely on their national broadcasting regulations. If it's good enough for them, the network will air it until a complaint is filed.

Because MS is a registered charity, their time slot is usually donated by the network whenever there is low ad inventory (i.e.- not enough paying advertisers to fill up commercial breaks). It's a wild card situation where schedulers try to give all charities their fair chance at viewership, so they rotate PSAs (Public Service Announcements) as equally as they can, and absolutely no consideration is given to the content of the ad itself, or any other ads in the cluster (a not-so-fancy word for "commercial break") because all spots are labelled by client or product.

There's a few exceptions. They would obviously avoid running a beer commercial right after an ad for Alcoholics Anonymous. They try not to put car commercials, beer commercials, and "don't drink and drive" PSA's in the same cluster. But these poor schedulers have a dozen other more important criteria to consider, like meeting broadcast regulations and advertisers' demands, so occasionally something slips through the cracks.

I guess I'm just saying that CNN isn't that dumb, at least not in this case. They're just automated to the point where computers can't make the same kinds of creative or moral decisions that humans can. It's all monkeys and machines, baby.

What makes you want to buy?

2009-01-12T13:58:00.004-05:00

By Skylers Dad from Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps.

So what is it about a commercial that you all find appealing? What makes you say to yourself, "I need to buy that product", or "I think I need to get behind that cause"?

I am a YouTube/video finding junkie, and watch a ton of stuff that friends send to me and that I find. Let me tell you what works on me. Let's look at two different pieces put together for Global Warming by European companies:

Really? I mean just WTF really?!?

Can I possibly get any more depressed? I submit not! I am all for saving the planet and doing things better, but do I think for a moment that my furry friends are going to off themselves because I am burning too much fossil fuel?

Let's try again, this time with a bit less heavy handed and a song that I used to love:

Sweetness. Much better, makes me want to try a bit harder, and pass it along to others.

So my question to you all is, what makes you like a commercial?

Feel free to break into small discussion groups, post stickies on the wall with key points, we will reconvene later...

And Now, a Moment With Andy Rooney.

2009-01-09T11:30:00.000-05:00

By Andy Rooney

Syndicated Exclusively by Grant Miller Media Unlimited LLC

I don't know how many of you read the Sunday paper anymore. I still do. And I'm always amazed at how many ads there are.

If you read a newspaper, chances are you read it for the stories. But advertisers always find a way of sneaking their product right below your nose.

Here's one for a free furnace. I don't need a free furnace. The one we have works just fine. But I'd hate to turn one away for free.

I guess if you're going to get a free furnace, January is the time to do it. Probably can't give them away in July, not even for free. At least not in New York.

Here's another ad for women's shoes. I don't normally look at ads for women's shoes, but I couldn't help but notice the woman in this ad is holding the shoes, not wearing them.

The least you can do if you're selling women's shoes is to show a woman wearing them. Somehow I don't think this ad was made with someone like me in mind.

I don't mind ads in the newspaper. Without them, newspapers would go out of business and that would put a lot of good people out of a job.

My first job was as a newspaper reporter, Stars and Stripes during World War II. Here's a picture of me interviewing Gen. Dwight David Eisenhower. He was a great commander and became president after the war.

We need more men like him. Men who aren't afraid to stir things up every once in awhile for the good of the country.

Although I didn't know him well, I'll bet he never bought a pair of women's shoes.

Should you stay or should you go?

2009-01-08T07:01:00.008-05:00

by Katrocket from Rocketradio

Okay, apologies all around for the surprise extended vacation from posting over the past three weeks, but what can I say? I got sick of holiday commercials before I could list a dozen of them. I was hoping you'd be too loaded with holiday cheer to notice.

So on the subject of being sick, there's a bit of controversy this week over a TV ad for Benylin cough syrup - an ad that's been running for over 2 years now, mind you.

Here's a two minute report on the matter from BBC.

It seems that employers and managers are rather upset with the message being delivered in the TV spot and on the Benylin website: if you're a rotten snotty mess, perhaps you should call in sick and try to recover instead of going to your workplace and making everyone else sick/annoyed/utterly disgusted with you.

JWT, the ad agency who created the Take A Benylin Day campaign, insists "We've been advised by health care experts that by taking one or two days off work, staying in bed, you can break that cycle and you can get to work healthy and productive."

Their website offers advice on what to tell your boss when calling in sick, offers video games and puzzles for the bored and lethargic, and reviews the best DVDs to watch while at home. But the UK-based Federation of Small Businesses claims the adverts and website are "outrageous", and have filed a complaint with the UK Advertising Standards Authority.

Absenteeism is a common struggle for all businesses, but personally speaking, I'd prefer that an ill co-worker stay home, rather than hacking up a lung in my face and exposing me to their icky germs. And I'm not a germaphobe, I'm just easily irritable. Sure, there's always some douchebag in the office who will use the slightest sniffle or hangover to excuse themselves from work, but I think if you're just going to be a miserable, whiny mess all day long, you might as well stay far, far away from me.

So what's your stance on this debate? Would you stay or would you go?

The 12 Ads of Christmas #9 - That Special Holiday Lift

2008-12-23T19:12:00.006-05:00

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

Since we're getting closer to Big J's big day (and since I'm filled with Veddermas spirit), I thought I would post an example of a GOOD Christmas ad.

It's a regional ad by restaurant chain Eat 'n Park (home of the famous smiley cookies and best potato soup EVAH), so folks from Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and Ohio might be the only ones to have seen it...unless you saw it on my blog a couple of years ago. This is my favorite Christmas commercial, and probably one of my favorite commercials, period. It's very short, sweet, and simple, but gets the point across beautifully. And it always, always, ALWAYS chokes me up.

So here it is, my Christmas gift to you: the warm fuzzies. They may not be as good as the potato soup, but they might last longer.

The 12 Ads of Christmas # 6,7, and 8

2008-12-18T07:30:00.003-05:00

by Katrocket from Rocketradio

I am beginning to realize that if we don't start jamming up these 12 Ads of Christmas, well, we're not going to finish this stupid series. I solemnly promise to never again commit to a task I'm required to repeat at least a dozen times. I will admit it was an ambitious and arrogant dream for a blogger with such a brief attention span.

So, for the sixth, seventh, and eighth ads of Christmas, FTA brings to you:

Day 6 - Mac Vs. PC: Animated for the Holidays

John Hodgeman and Justin Long are back - in animated form - with a new series of ads for Apple. I'm not sure if this was a clever way to let these increasingly busy actors literally phone in their performances, or some kind of tribute to the Rankin/Bass holiday specials of the 60s and 70s, but I can tolerate this ad for one reason only: the bunny gets it.

More ads from this 2008 holiday series:
Mac Vs. PC singing with Santa
Mac Vs. PC trimming the tree

Day 7 - Fun With Female Insecurities

The cocktail party season pumps billions of dollars into the cosmetics and fashion industries, and because it's not enough that we blow our budgets on shopping, travel, and home entertaining - we go into debt so we can look really pretty doing all these things. Sorry gentlemen, but we don't do it just for you. The holidays are happier when those bitches at the office are wicked jealous of awesome you look. This 2007 holiday ad for Boots (a pharmacy chain in the UK and Canada) pretty much sums it up:

Day 8 - The Empty Promise of Peace on Earth

You know what, people? World peace is never going to happen, so I wish you'd stop harshin' my eggnog buzz with all this crap about sharing and caring. The last time I believed in that stuff was at age 10, performing "I'd Like to Teach The World To Sing" with the school choir. That was the year I began my tutelage in the fine art of profane comedy, when Gordie Grant taught me it's way more hilarious to sing "...and furniSHIT! with love..." instead of that awkward pause our teacher demanded. This classic Coca Cola ad from 1984 is a holiday redux of the famous Buy The World a Coke ad from 1971.

The 12 Ads of Christmas # 5 - Holiday Spirit Overload

2008-12-12T07:43:00.006-05:00

by The Guv'ner from Psycho Secretary

On the fifth day of Christmas, FTA gives to you: Holiday Spirit Overload

You know what commercials would currently be chafing my balls, if I had balls? Those moronic Best Buy stupid-assed Christmas gift ads.

There are a whole series of them and each one is more annoying than the previous one. In fact, every "customer" (or as I like to call them "butt steaming ass bandits") who does their little over-excited, not at all cute piece for the Best Buy salesman, deserves my size 8, steel-toe capped boot planted right in their squishy bits with demonic fervor, for making me incensed with The Hate.

I mean watch these commercials and tell me you don't want those people skewered with a goddamn sling blade (some people call it a Kaiser blade, I call it a sling blade, mmm hmmm).

And people wonder why I grind my teeth.

Show Us The Love!

2008-12-10T10:54:00.007-05:00

We'll be right back with the 12 Ads of Christmas after these important messages...

Fire That Agency! came online just two and half months ago, but your enthusiastic support has led to a nomination for a 2008 Drysdale Award for "Blog With The Most Stolen or Unattributed Material"

We're up against some very tough competition, specifically Skyler's Dad, who is a highly-respected international authority in the field of stolen or unattributed material. He's so accomplished, that he doesn't even need to write words to go along with the images and videos he steals, and most of the time he just repeats things that other people say on their blogs. It will be a challenge to beat him, and although Skyler's Dad is a cherished friend to FTA, we think the trophy would look waaaay better in our office.

Our hard-working Research Department tirelessly scans the net daily for the most heinous commercials, the funniest ads, and the finest masterpieces of marketing so that we can all sit around and bitch about them, so please show them your love and drop on over to Grant Miller Media and vote for us in the left sidebar.

Several of our staff writers have also been nominated for awards, further proof that we've assembled the very best bloggers to bring you the very worst on TV. Congratulations go out to:

Pistols At Dawn (7 nominations)- Blogger of the Year, Blog With the Most Pictures of the Blogger, Least Logical Political Argument in a Single Post, Most Pointless Blog Posts, Longest Posts, Worst Commenter, Blogger Whose Online Person is Cooler Than His or Her Real Persona

BeckEye (3 nominations)- Blogger of the Year, Blog With the Most Text-Messaging Jargon, Blurriest Photos,

Katrocket (2 nominations)- Blogger of the Year, Blogger Whose Online Person is Cooler Than His or Her Real Persona

Imaginary Reviewer (1 nomination) - Ugliest Blog

Cast your vote for your favourite FTA personality today!

...and many thanks to those of you who already have voted for us!

The 12 Ads of Christmas #4 - Every Gold Digger Needs a Tagline

2008-12-08T02:09:00.006-05:00

By BeckEye from The Pop Eye*

I love Christmas. I do. Generally, I can easily wade through the sea of commercialization and "gimme gimme gimme" attitudes and enjoy the holiday for what it really means. However, there are a few things that really irk me. For now, I'll focus on one: the deluge of Kay Jewelers commercials. You've all seen these ads, and you all know the cutesy little jingle that accompanies each one..."every kiss begins with Kay."

Maybe it's slightly irrational and, yes, there is so much more going on in the world to be pissed off about, but these commercials make me so angry. Excuse me while I get up on my soap, er, ring box for a moment.

Men: Every kiss does not begin with Kay. At least it shouldn't. If you only get kisses from your woman when you give her expensive gifts, you could be married to or dating an actual prostitute. It might be time to rethink your relationship.

Women: Jewelry does not equal love. If your husband/boyfriend is showering you with assloads of jewelry, he's probably either cheating on you or cheating with you. If that's not the case, your man may feel like wasting all his money on sparkly trinkets is the only way to get your attention. If you're putting that kind of price tag on your affections, you could be an actual prostitute. It might be time to rethink your priorities.

Of course, Kay isn't the only offender here in the "love for sale" commercial genre, but their stupid catchphrase bothers me the most. I suppose if they were being honest, the slogan would be, "Every Kiss Begins with Kold Hard Kash." I hear that DeBeers' tagline, "A Diamond is Forever" was actually shortened from "A Diamond is Forever, But Your Relationship is Not," and Jared's was originally "Sure, Sometimes He Beats Me, But...But He Went to Jared!"

*If this post feels at all familiar, then you have loved me for a looooong time, because it's a slightly modified 2006 rerun from my blog.

The 12 Ads of Christmas # 3 - Sweet Box Shakin'

2008-12-05T09:19:00.007-05:00

by Katrocket from Rocketradio

On the third day of Christmas, FTA gives to you: Sweet Box Shakin'!

Okay, after a couple rounds of lingerie supermodels and dog ball-lickin', here's something just for the ladies! And also for my houseboy, Reynaldo.

This Joe Boxer/K-Mart was out a few years ago, but it's still one of my favourite holiday ads of all time. I can watch this all day and never tire of it (as long as I'm allowed a couple of diddle breaks.)

Every year I ask for Dick in a Box, but I always end up with movie passes and scented candles. Fuckers.

The 12 Ads of Christmas #2 - Mistletoe Magic

2008-12-03T12:35:00.000-05:00

by Katrocket from Rocketradio

On the second day of Christmas, FTA gives to you: Mistletoe Magic

Day 2 is dedicated to Gwen at Everything I Like Causes Cancer, for her inspiring work on mistletoe.

TBWA Vancouver is a brilliant and highly creative ad agency that deserves your love and respect for making a fucking awesome Christmas commercial like this:

Stay tuned during December for more festive ad rants and raves, and please tell us about your most loved and hated Christmas commercials. Just leave a comment, or suggest a clip to firethatagency@gmail.com - we'll feature your choices for best and worst holiday ads later in the month. If you'd like to contribute your own article, just e-mail us!

The 12 Ads of Christmas #1 - Reality Check

2008-12-02T16:15:00.006-05:00

by Katrocket from Rocketradio

Only 23 more shopping days until Christmas, and we're waist-deep in holiday commercials, arguably the worst kind of commercial an agency will ever be asked to make. Competition is fierce, and companies are desperate for your hot cash injection (especially during a recession). They will stop at nothing to persuade you to buy things you can't afford, so the Baby Jesus can guilt you into giving those things away to other people.

My goal for FTA this month is to write twelve posts about Christmas ads, but given my fear of commitment, holidays, and the Partridges, this idea is likely ill-conceived.

On the first day of Christmas, FTA gives to you: A Reality Check

Sometimes men believe that the awesomest gift they can buy for their special lady is lingerie, since it should logically lead them to a hidden prize showcase in the bedroom. Not so.

This agency should be fired for convincing men that women want this:

And this agency should be highly commended for revealing the truth:

I Hate Applebees

2008-11-25T06:56:00.002-05:00

by SO24 from Starting Over at 24

I can understand quirky and unique advertisements, because it makes sense to get their brand stuck in our head, but I fail to comprehend the logic behind getting on our nerves. It's not just a tad irritating, or overly goofy, it is just simply wrong. There is absolutely nothing creative or witty about two morons singing a shrimp-ized version of the Gilligan theme song. And who is giving this idea the thumbs up? Take a moment of your time to imagine the brainstorming session that produced this fucking wild idea.

"So...uhh...gotta come up with something good to play during the NCAA Tourney."
"Well, I was thinking two assholes playing guitars and singing the Gilligan theme song rewritten with lyrics about our shrimp skewers would be a huge hit. We could play it during every break and I really think it'll win 'em over."
"Good fucking call, Johnson"
"I'm also boning your wife."
"You're fired."

If I see this ad one more time I swear to god I will go their restaurant, order one shrimp skewer so that I can quickly eat the shrimp and then plunge the stick directly into the eye of the closest employee. On my escape I would also take care to knock off as much cliché memorabilia as possible.

So, if you are an Applebee's ad executive and happen to be reading this, I suggest you rethink your approach to drumming up business. Making people angry does not lead to success for your restaurant. Your food already sucks as it is, so it probably doesn't help much when you cram shit like this down our throats. Either show a follow-up to this piece that depicts these two schmucks getting ripped apart by tropical shark beasts, or put an end to the misery that any of us with decent taste are undoubtedly experiencing when we are subject to your bad ideas.

The Shammy Showdown: Vince vs. Billy Mays

2008-11-19T11:02:00.000-05:00

by Katrocket from Rocketradio

Last month, BeckEye warned us to never buy a product with "Sham" right in the name, and asked the question on everyone's minds: "what company wants some coke-addicted, fast-talking douchebag as its spokesperson?"

I'll tell you who: ShamWow's main rival, Zorbeez!

But the clever folks at Zorbeez didn't hire just any slick-talkin', headset-wearin', carpet-stainin' creep. They hired the biggest, loudest, most annoying voice in the informercial universe: the Legendary Billy Mays.

After a head-to-head examination of these two in action, I've determined that they're likely hawking the exact same product, albiet one is made in Germany, and you know Germans make good stuff. But when two powerhouse pitchmen are selling the same item with an almost identical script, it all comes down to the craftsmanship of their delivery:

So let's compare, shall we?

	VINCE (ShamWow)	BILLY (Zorbeez)
Appearance	Moe Syzlak	70s porn snatch with teeth
Delivery	Smarmy; aloof; he can't do this all day.	Loud; really loud
Personal touch	towelling off like a real Olympic swimmer	sponge smelling
Target Demographic	Younger (late nite stoners, flea market enthusiasts)	Older (OCD housewives, chronic cola spillers)
Gimmick factor	"Made in Germany!"	"amazing X27 fiber technology!"
Pricing	8 for $19.99 - 10 yr warranty	10 for $14.99 - free replacments for life
Bonus offer	more Shamwows!	free Zorbeez for life! plus some kinda fringed shammy on a stick that cleans under your doors or pleasures your wife after everything else you've tried has failed.
He thinks you use too many paper towels	$20 a month is "Throwin' yer money away."	2 rolls a week! "That's cash in the trash!"
Final Verdict	Superior German technology and years of carny training help Vince hold his own against the Legend.	No one fucks with Billy Mays, punk.

Our Jeans Unlock the Power of Dirty, Anonymous Sex

2008-11-14T13:27:00.008-05:00

By BeckEye from The Pop Eye

There's nothing I hate more than being reminded that I'm getting old and boring. Therefore, I hate this new Levi's Unbuttoned commercial. It makes me want to clutch at my nonexistent shawl while clucking, "My stars!" in disapproval.

Look, people. I'm no prude. I have nothing against the "exciting sex with a handsome/beautiful stranger" storyline, but this ad is not sexy. Unless you're a crack whore. Or unless your sexual fantasies always end with you being murdered, arrested, or contracting some horrible disease. Because, if this were real life, one or all three things would happen to one or both of these people immediately after their jeans hit the floor.

It starts out okay, when they're just bullshitting each other to get into each other's pants. But then when the dude is like, "I've been living in my car?" That's when most women would hit the brakes. But not this chick! Because she likes to break, enter, and bang in other peoples' apartments!

Every time I see this commercial, I always imagine an extended version. Boy and girl have nasty sex and then share a needle. The man of the house returns home and threatens to call the police when he finds these greasy street urchins in his apartment. Girl offers him sexual favors in return for his silence and, when he drops his guard, Boy stabs him in the throat. They go on the run, they go to jail, they die of AIDS.

But the jeans last through it all.

Iron-Free Shirts Insult our Intelligence

2008-11-10T16:57:00.005-05:00

by The Imaginary Reviewer from the Imaginary Review

My most hated TV commercial goes as follows: A man emerges from what looks like a steamy hotel bathroom wearing a dressing gown. He sees smoke, and runs towards an ironing board in the hotel room. He picks up the steam iron, which has been left sitting on his shirt which, in true slapstick style, now has a big wedge-shaped hole in it from where the iron has burned through. As the foolish man looks despondently at his favourite shirt, the voiceover implores you to buy new Crapola* Brand Wrinkle-Free No-Iron shirts.

Usually by this point I am throwing the nearest potted plant at the television, such is my hatred of this advert.

My problem with this commercial stems from the fact that the agency seems to be implying that no-iron shirts are a good idea because ironing is such a mentally taxing activity. It’s not that ironing is one of the most boring, tedious, shittiest menial tasks there is, no: men need wrinkle-free shirts because they can’t be trusted with a spoon, let alone a steam iron.

“Hey men,” the ad’s makers seem to be saying, “look how difficult it is to iron a shirt! Look how stupid you are! You can’t even iron a shirt properly! You twat! You UTTER TWAT! You probably lack the basic attention span required to follow the complicated storyline of this ad! Why, I bet you stopped watching this ad after several seconds because you were distracted by the sound of an airplane in the sky outside your windows! You’re probably poking yourself in the eye with a pencil right now! Dur dur dur! Look at the stupid man!"

"Oh, and please, buy our shirts.”

Let me say this now: I have never stopped in the middle of ironing an item of clothing to do anything more time-consuming than scratch my balls. And even when I do, I remove the steam iron from the garment in question so as not to end up with a cotton/polyester fireball. Nobody, not even the most ignorant shit-for-brains mouth-breather, stops ironing mid-shirt in order to have a shower. This ad isn’t just unlikely, it’s insulting.

And so, I won’t be buying that particular brand of Wrinkle-Free Shirts for Brainless Room-Temperature-IQ Morons. But I will make a suggestion for their next commercial.

Everyone hates ironing because it’s crap, not because it’s hard. Men hate it because we’re lazy; women hate it because it gets in the way of complaining about how lazy men are. So the ads should reflect this. I say, begin the commercial with a normal, average bloke getting out of bed. He starts getting dressed, but pauses as a gorgeous Victoria’s Secret-style model sits up in the bed, and says seductively, “Frank? Do you have to go so soon?”

The man looks at the camera, smiles and shrugs, while the voice over says: “New Crapola* Brand Wrinkle-free Shirts. They save you ten minutes every morning. How you spend that ten minutes….is up to you”. Fade out to sounds of frantic groaning and frenzied bed-squeaking.

Seriously, the world lost a great advertising executive when I decided to take up reviewing things that don’t exist.

*This is possibly a gap in my memory.

Mac Attack

2008-11-06T18:34:00.003-05:00

by The Guvner from Psycho Secretary

You know what ads make me consider hostage taking? The ads featuring the Mac guy and the PC guy. I know they're old hat now but still, they piss me off to a nuclear extent with their holier than thou attitude and the condescending manner of a political campaign.

You know the ones, right? The ones where a young, slightly dorky "I am a computer genius in a way you'll never comprehend" type of guy stands there, smug in his knowledge that he's cool because hey, he uses a Mac, while the chubby, bespectacled, super-straight guy in a bad suit runs around like a constipated chicken with its head cut off trying to cover up the many deficiencies of using a PC, often while doing "hilariously" embarrassing things or wearing a stupid costume. Throughout all this mayhem the Mac guy condescendingly watches him, bemused, while smirking and looking sideways at the camera in a Jimmy Fallonesque manner that makes you want to punch his lights out with a sledgehammer.Sometimes he is accompanied by a supermodel or a hot techy chick because she's hot you know and hot chicks dig the Mac guys while guys who use PCs have to make do with a dude in a dress:

Well I hate those effing commercials. I resent their message. Everyone knows that Mac users are elitist knob-heads who like to lord over us mortal PC users with their superiority complexes. Mac users are next to Godliness, people. That's why they only make up a mere morsel of computer users. Nothing that lofty and supreme can be the majority. If the majority of computer users switched to Macs, Mac freaks would explode with indignant impatience and start proclaiming their love of Linux-only operating systems. There is nothing you can do on a Mac these days you can't do on a PC, except maybe gloat a lot about your Godlike superiority while hurling cyber darts at Bill Gates' head.

Funny thing is, I had nothing against Macs until these stupid ads appeared, so job well done, guys. You made me always want to buy a PC.

If Apple really wanted to raise their fanbase and appeal to a wider audience, maybe cutting out the smug, condescending attitude might be a start. And maybe they could you know... sort out iTunes so it didn't fuck up everything you try to do, ever if, heaven forbid, you change computers/programs/mp3 players. And maybe keep their iPods in a realm of reality where you don't need a magnifying glass to find them. They really don't need to be the size of a postage stamp, guys, truly, we eat our veggies, we can lift those bulldozer sized 1st Generation models just fine.

There really are no accidents

2008-11-05T14:28:00.004-05:00

by Katrocket from Rocketradio

Although we spend a lot of time on this blog making fun of outright stupidity in advertising, I wanted to share this ad with you, and not because it's terrible or lame, but because it's hands-down the most graphically disturbing, jaw-dropping, scary-as-hell commercial I've ever seen in my lifetime. I know - that's a huge statement, and I must be exaggerating.

Well, I'm not. During a recent interview, I was asked about ads that have had a profound and lasting emotional effect on me. This spot is one of very few that immediately came to mind, and it doesn't even try to sell me a product, but rather a concept, which is often more difficult to do.

It was only released in the Canadian market, so I doubt many of you have had a chance to see this. Every time this spot came on, I would dive for the remote and turn the channel as soon as possible - not because it was annoying or rage-inducing, but because it gave me fucking nightmares.

I'm into film violence and horror flicks, and definitely not a scaredy cat, nor is it very easy to shock me. And this is certainly NOT a case of "Fire That Agency". The agency who created this spot, FCB Toronto, and their 2006 campaign for the Workplace Safety and Insurance Board of Canada (WSIB) far exceeded their goal of drawing attention to the prevention of workplace accidents, and promoting their website (Prevent-It.ca). I must give immense praise to the team at FCB, because after you see this spot, even if it's only once, you'll get the message and never, ever, be able to forget it. This is about as powerful as advertising gets.

WARNING: THIS CLIP IS NOT INTENDED FOR YOUNGER VIEWERS AND MAY CONTAIN IMAGES THAT MOST NORMAL PEOPLE FIND DISTURBING. It is safe for work, but you are likely to scream and possibly yell out "holy fuck!" really loud, causing a general panic amongst your colleagues, so please brace yourselves accordingly.

"Top Chef" by FCB Toronto - for WSIB Canada

There are several more ads in this series, all excellent, all bloody frightening. The rest can viewed at the links below (be brave):

Forklift

Shop Girl

Family Guy

Funeral

Sleeve (2008 campaign - currently airing in Canada)

Window Washer (2008 campaign - currently airing in Canada)

Stay tuned later in the week, when we'll return to a lighter look at badvertising, with a daring exposé on ShamWow Vince's dreaded non-German "imitators": The Magik Cloth, The Magic Shammy, The Super Shammy, and Zorbeez ... get yo spillz on!

Physician, Heal Thy Wack-Ass Advertising

2008-10-30T08:00:00.000-04:00

by pistols at dawn of save your generation

I was sitting on the subway this weekend, and since all the attractive girls I kept creepily staring at were starting to get "call Transit Authority Security" uncomfortable, I tried looking at some of the ads plastered all over the subway instead.

The one directly in front of me spoke to me – literally. In a raspy voice, it told me to kill all the left-handed people in the world. Then I realized that was one of the voices in my head – the one not constantly singing Hall & Oates' "Private Eyes" – so I filed that thought away for later.

The print ad was fairly nondescript, he wrote, preparing to describe it anyway. It featured an aging, in-shape couple on top of a verdant, secluded mountain, clearly in the middle of some hike that took them far away from everything fun, like "television sets" and "couches" and "booze" and "members of the opposite gender to have forgettable sex with."

The text touted some sort of health insurance from a company named GEHA, ending with the clincher, the part of their offer that no human being could possibly turn down – the opportunity to be involved in the company's free walking program. (Said walking program is also cited prominently on the company's Benefits page.)

Instantly, I thought: free walking? And here I've been paying for it like a sucker. And then, I thought: walking program? Is walking ever complex enough to necessitate a program? Because here's the program I've been working with for decades: 1) lift foot; 2) place it on the ground again in front of where it previously was; 3) lift other foot and do the same; 4) repeat as necessary, but try to live close to stuff so it's never necessary.

What newfangled ideas has GEHA come up with in the realm of walking? And how many of their doctors are wasting their time on walking-based research when there are actual diseases out there that could use curing? Unless walking cures AIDS or starvation, how about we focus on the things that are killing people? I haven't seen a lot TV doctor shows, but I've never seen one where the doctor turned to the attractive, weeping family member and said, "It doesn't look good. This man is suffering from a decided lack of a rigorous, well-researched walking program."

And with that, GEHA had lost me forever, which is terrible, because I'm their target audience. I currently don't have health insurance because I can't afford it, which is crazy, because I'd never go to the doctor even if I did have something wrong with me, so a company offering me health coverage is essentially saying, "Sure, I'd like some free money." After all, I come from strong, Midwestern stock, with a grandfather who told us "not to worry" about his stroke. Growing up, my father's medical advice, regardless of the malady, was: "Cowboy up and shut that pie hole, son. If I wanted a daughter, I wouldn't keep pulling out."

I wonder if a walking program could help heal those emotional scars.

Probably not as well as my current drinking and stumbling program.

Fire That Second Cousin With a Video Camera!

2008-10-28T16:43:00.008-04:00

by Katrocket of Rocketradio

Some of the greatest badvertising is created without any help from a budget-sucking, long-lunch-eating, golf-playing ad agency. The savvy local businessman knows his money is best spent on copious amounts of airtime, not overrated production values. Local merchants believe that their commercial doesn’t have to be good if it’s running on every regional network every 7 minutes. If you can’t wow your target market with a clever message and professional actors, why not simply bore your slogan into people’s heads with Pavlovian conditioning?

Depending on where you live, you have no doubt suffered through some of the most annoying and ridiculous commercials ever created in the history of advertising. But I’m not ashamed to admit that a part of me is rather amused by the combination of D-grade self-promotion and the quirky personality of the Hometown Vendor. In their own little way, they are stickin’ it to the big brand award-hungry agencies who have somehow convinced themselves that they are making fine art films instead of outrageous profits. In a cage match of Frequency versus Quality, I guarantee you will remember the name and slogan of your irritating local car dealer far better than you’re able to recall a specific car commercial and slogan from a global automaker. To me, all car commercials look exactly the same, but I’ll never forget a crazy dude in a used car lot wearing a Superman cape.

I’ve dug up some homemade gems from here and abroad - if you’d like to share your own hometown disasters, leave a comment with a link the the clip(if available).

Russell "Cashman" Oliver Jewellery - Toronto, Canada
Slogan: “I’m your Cash Man – give you money for your gold oh yeah!”
The Hook: Eurotrash clubmix penetrates your brain and won’t let go.
The Bait: Sexy backup dancers - Cashgirls by day, "feature dancer" by night
The Catch: This is probably the best produced Cashman ad in a large repertoire of cringe-worthy commercials

Sammy Stevens' Flea Market Montgomery - Montgomery, Alabama
Slogan: “It’s just like a mini mall!”
The Hook: Livin’ rooms, bedrooms, dinettes, we talkin’ bout a badass beat
The Bait: Colourful fashions, slick moves, and an attractive outdoor shot of the cube van fleet
The Catch: You need it! (He got it.) Hey hey.

Mel Farr Superstar Ford – Detroit, Michigan
Slogan: “Mel Farr Superstar for a Farr better deal”
The Hook: Someone’s crazy granny yelling “superstars!” at beginning of ad
The Bait: Tandem fly-by with co-star Billy Sims (Detroit Lions’ star RB from 1980-84) over Greenfield and 10 Mile Road
The Catch: Awesome editing turns a simple sideways hop into a stellar two-point landing.

Eagle Auto Insurance - Chicago, Illinois
Slogan: "I've got something for yoooooou!"
The Hook: Chicks with bad 80s hair are terrible drivers who can't be bothered with details like insurance... and not hitting stuff.
The Bait: Surprise! Sideshow eagle just laid a big one on your car.
The Catch: Messed up eagle-baby puppet delivers flyer, but instead of predictable flaily-armed screaming/running away, the ladies are hypnotized. Ooooh. Look at those low rates.

Prusakolep (roach traps, I thiink) - Warsaw, Poland
Slogan: "Pluskwy puszka metalowa ssać ono"(translation: "Bugs can suck it.")
The Hook: karaluch (cockroach) ruins dinner party/ people's lives/ any interest I might have had in visiting Poland
The Bait: Prusakolep!
The Catch: Someone was on drugs.

UPDATE: MORE HOMEGROWN CLIPS FROM OUR READERS!

Need A Lawyer? Can't afford a one? - submitted by Mme. G

Hilarious digital production company - submitted by Falwless

Something's fishy here - submitted by Skyler's Dad

Never Buy a Product with "Sham" Right in the Name

2008-10-26T16:03:00.007-04:00

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

I believe someone mentioned the horrible "ShamWow" commercial in the comments here. I actually had been happily skipping through life never having seen it - until this weekend, when it must have assaulted my eyes and ears at least ten times. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, get ready to be wowed. Or shammed.

I was certainly not "wowed" by this ad. First off, who the HELL is this "Vince" guy? Good Lord, he's one creepy bastard. Those pointy, Neanderthal brows and the overgrown fauxhawk? He looks like a damn Klingon! Who would buy anything from him? And why is he wearing that stupid headset? I'm assuming he's going for the "slick, cool dude" vibe here, so shouldn't he be wearing a Bluetooth or something? That thing looks like something Stacy, your Time-Life operator, would have worn in the early '80s.

And what company WANTS some coke-addicted, fast-talking douchebag as its spokesperson? Does anyone really think this guy is an effective salesman? Didn't we learn long ago not to trust guys like "Vince?" I don't know why I put his name in quotes, because he definitely looks like a Vince. I seriously doubt he's an actor. If he isn't a real estate broker or a used car salesman in real life, I'll eat my hat and buy 20 ShamWows.

If, for some reason, Crazy Brows McGee doesn't turn you off to this commercial, there is still plenty wrong with it.

1. As I mentioned in the title, the name of the product has the word "sham" in it. Sure, so does "shammy," but that's just because people can't spell. It's supposed to be "chamois."

2. Yeah, you can wash it in the washing machine. Still, is it cool to dry your dishes with the same disgusting rag that you use to wash your car and clean up your dog's urine?

3. One of the big selling points of the ShamWow is that it's made in Germany. What does that mean? The Germans made David Hasselhoff a star. What do they know? Furthermore, I don't think blind acceptance of any ideas pushed by the Germans is a very good idea. Read your history books.

4. Vince tells us you can cut the ShamWow in half and use one as a bath mat, drain your dishes with the other one, and use one as a towel. Now, I'm no math whiz, but that doesn't sound quite right.

5. Who spends $20 a month on paper towels? I'm a klutz who spills stuff all the time, and I can make it through at least a month with a $5.00 3-pack.

6. How long do those mini-ShamWows really last?? At 1:25, there is a very obvious over-dub stating that they last 10 years.

7. You get 8 ShamWows for $19.99. It thought this was a multi-purpose, washable miracle product that lasted forever? So, why do you need 8 of them?

If you can see past all that's horrible about this commercial and focus solely on the product, maybe you'll decide that you really need a ShamWow in your life. If you do, make sure you buy directly from Vince. BEWARE OF SHAMWOW IMITATORS! I mistakenly bought something called a ShamWhoa. It cleared out my bank account and skipped town, leaving a trail of cola behind it.

Ad-Sense, Non-Sense

2008-10-24T09:04:00.003-04:00

by Ask Alice from Alice in Average Land

I don't get the Verizon commercials. "Can you hear me now"? Basically they're saying that the reception is so crappy that this poor guy has to stand on top of fences in the Artic to get a signal. They really should have him saying: "Can you still hear me?" Then at least we know that he could hear them in the first place. Although if I had someone asking me every five minutes if I could still hear them I'd just say no and hang up.

Speaking of advertisements, there are a few slogans that really make no sense to me. If we took them literally we'd all be a bunch of lunatics. AT&T's - "Reach out and touch somebody"? Sorry but that's creepy. Especially when you consider the Yellow Pages ads that say "Let your fingers do the talking". Put the two of those together and we have a serial rapist on our hands.

Then there's: Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there - well it's rather unfortunate that my neighbor is a fat creepy dude who wears sweatpant shorts and no shirt while smoking (who knows what) in his garage year round. If my house burnt down in the middle of the night I'm not so sure I'd want him there while I run screaming out of my house in my little booty shorts and tank top.

Just saying.

How do they come up with this stuff anyway? There must be men in suits sitting around a table discussing their options:

Exec #1: "How can we possibly improve on what we have? I love: "It's what I eat and what I do" it really speaks to the people.
Exec #2: "Yes but how can you DO a burger? Wait, wait, I think I got it - by eating it. Yes I do see the logic there Stanley"
CEO: "Okay, how about: McDonalds, it's what I eat and what I do ALWAYS"
Exec #1: "Isn't that sort of like Coca-Cola's slogan?"
CEO: "Dammit"
Exec #2: "We have to appeal to the kids here fellas. We need some slang in there"
Exec #1: "McDonalds: it's what I eat and what I do - in the hizzle!"
CEO: "I'm loving that"
Exec #2: "I'm loving it!"*a look of inspiration crosses over their faces and thus a slogan is born*

Sometimes I think maybe they don't really put that much thought into these slogans either.

Toshiba's "Choose Freedom" slogan - what exactly does that mean? If we choose a Sony are we relegated to the first twelve channels forever? Where does this freedom come into play with a Toshiba that it doesn't with a Samsung? Oh and there's another gooder: "Digitally Yours". Now they're playing with our emotions and getting all Hallmark on our asses. You can certainly tell what market they're aiming for.

Good thing I don't believe everything I hear...

I'm richer then I think, am I, Scotiabank? Well I think I'll just go on a little shopping spree here and take care of that problem. Oh nevermind, I lost my American Express and I just don't feel right leaving home without it.

Finally, Someone More Annoying Than Paris Hilton

2008-10-23T17:07:00.004-04:00

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

There is this chick who seems to be on my TV constantly these days. She is the most obnoxious person I think I have ever seen in my life. I loathe her, despite the fact that I don't even know her name.

You may have seen her too - this broad in the Secret Flawless deodorant commercial* who is walking down the street with her arms up in the air like she in da club, and generally being a menace to all passersby. She walks past some suit and commands him to give her a high five, then giggles and squeakily boasts, "I didn't even know that guy!" (I'll bet she's said that on a lot of hungover mornings.) Then, she hails a cab like a complete spaz and, after the guy stops, she's like, "No thanks, I'd rather walk." Yeah. Let's see her try that in New York for real. A cabbie wouldn't think twice about running her skinny little ass over.

I don't know why I hate this woman so much. She's either just that annoying, or I'm becoming a rage-a-holic. Whatever the case may be, I know this. If I ever see her on the street, I am going to rip her arms off. Then we'll see how damn good she smells.

*I was going to link the video for anyone who hadn't seen it yet, but I can't seem to find it. Apparently, everyone else hates it too, possibly even Procter & Gamble who haven't even bothered to slap the ad up on YouTube for some fast, free publicity.

Scent of a Woman

2008-10-22T08:01:00.007-04:00

by The Guv from Psycho Secretary

There's an ad doing the rounds, currently, that has me simultaneously scratching my head and by pure suggestion my crotch (much in the same way that you hear someone mention spiders then start feeling them crawling on your skin). The ad's for "RePhresh" a new product that disguises "feminine odor". You might have seen it - four smug, skinny ladies sitting around in mood lighting declaring the advantages of spritzing one's muff with some Ph balanced deodorant? I would like to kill whoever, a) dreamed up the obnoxiously comical ad, and b) the douche (pardon the relevance) who decided such a product was necessary.

Apparently we ladies should be using this product after "intimacy", after "douching" and after our period, because otherwise we'll carry the stench of a million decaying haddock.

I don't know exactly what sort of woman this thing is aimed at. I mean, I've been around for quite a few years now and I can't say I've ever smelled a lady's pie as she walked by in the street, or sat opposite me in a bar. I've never once had to open a window because some female had a cooter that smelled like the county dump in July.

I mean it was obviously a man who came up with this product, right? I've never met a woman who gave a rat's ass about "feminine odor" because generally I find women like to bathe, unless their best friend is a freeze block and they live under a bridge someplace. I find that women who like to bathe, in general, don't have smelly hoodillies.

This product is just plain dumb. Everyone knows that a lady's special place is self-cleaning and that depositing strange cleaning products – be they special vagina-spritzing perfumes, deodorants or Lysol – is a bad idea. But way to play on a lady's insecurities by suggesting she might have a strange foreign smell in her pants that is shameful. Thanks a lot for trying to produce a nation full of anxious, self-hating women all spraying chemicals on their cookie just in case they have the dreaded "Stench of Woman".

The only thing dumber than the product is the ad. Cocky-looking, "we know something you don't" ladies in trendy soccer mom garb, dancing around proudly proclaiming their snatches smell like roses, while extreme close ups reveal their self-righteous smirks.

Screw you, ad guys. This ad makes me homicidal.

Deer Park: Allegedly Good Water, Unquestionably Bad Slogan

2008-10-21T12:21:00.002-04:00

by Pistols At Dawn from Save Your Generation

The other night, I was treating myself to some store-bought water, because I live in the fast lane, and I grabbed some Deer Park out of its home in the convenience store fridge.

I can't say the name "Deer Park" was what sold me, since most people who talk about deer are hunters, and those people are nuts enough to pay money to other people for deer urine, which they then douse themselves with to throw the deer off their scent. Why you would pay money for a urine bath when Taco Bell has meals for under $5 makes little sense to me, but then again, I'm not R. Kelly.

Also, who has the worse end of that transaction - the guy buying deer urine to wear like cologne, or the guy collecting and bottling deer urine for distribution?

I suppose all this effort might make sense if venison were the best-tasting meat ever, but it's gamy, stringy, and other words ending in "y" that indicate crappiness. I've eaten some gross things in my life - after all, I've been to England and the Miami Subs chain dotting South Florida like a plague (a dysentery-causing plague) - and I'd gladly eat shepherd's pie 1,000 times before I'd ever eat venison again.

In fact, the only meat I've eaten that I liked less is turtle, because that stuff's comically chewy. Turtle is like meat gum, and it's every bit as gross as that sounds.

Aside from apparently having a great deal of negative feelings about deer, I also didn't buy the water because of its slogan, which is: "That's Good Water!"

For some reason, Deer Park registered this incredibly generic phrase, which is sort of like the fat, ugly, religious girl in high school loudly proclaiming how proud she is of her virginity: you don't have to protect it, darlin', because no one was going to take it anyway. People only take things that are of value.

I understand that it's nigh impossible to come up with a phrase that will sell us on water. Except for desert dwellers or most Iraqi villages, we're all very familiar with potable water. You can't use the ad man's usual tricks, like, "Now with more water flavor!" or "Improved recipe!"

But if you paid an ad company to come up with "That's Good Water!" you are the dumbest company in the history of recorded time. Taking thirty seconds to brainstorm this for you, I would have come up with: "Mmm...water!", "The watery-est water in town," "More water than you can shake a stick at," and "That's not urine-y at all!" and all of those are better.

And to prove that to you, Deer Park, I would have registered the phrase, "Those Are Good Slogans!" for my work, and you'd know I was your kind of people: dumb, lazy, and terrible at selling products.

About "Fire That Agency!"

2008-10-21T09:10:00.014-04:00

by Katrocket from Rocketradio

Like many of us, I spend way too much time consuming media, and it comes at a high price: the constant assault of ridiculous marketing messages. Whenever I see a really stupid TV commercial or print ad that fails on every possible level, I've been known to yell "Fire that agency!!!" at my television, because the agencies that make these crappy ads probably shouldn't be in business.

We've all seen advertisements that absolutely ENRAGE us, whether it be by sheer annoyance of the actor(s) involved, mind-numbing repetition, or by insulting our intelligence. I have worked in advertising for a long time, and I've attended countless creative briefings, brainstorming meetings, casting sessions, and production shoots with the self-congratulatory idiots who actually come up with these stupid ideas. Most of the time, they high-five each other and think they've just paved a new road to Awesometown. But so many ad agencies fail miserably at promoting products that no one needs or cares about, treat the general public like a bunch of 5th graders (okay, maybe it's deserved sometimes), and annoy the living hell out of us. I've worked on some campaigns myself where I clearly remember thinking: Our client should totally fire us for making this piece of shit and convincing them it's brilliant.

So I'm starting this blog about the best and worst commercials on TV, radio, the web and in print, and I extend an invitation to all of you to send in your own reviews or suggestions.

We're not interested in discussing the moral or global economic impact of corporate consumerism - that's what Adbusters is for. We are here for pure comedy. Advertising is inescapable, so we might as well have some fun with it.

If you'd like to contribute a post, share a link, or suggest a most heinous or hilarious ad for a story, send an e-mail to firethatagency@gmail.com ... and if you add us to your blogroll, we'll gladly return the favour.