Sunday, January 25, 2009

Hear This

by the Guv'ner from Psycho Secretary

Has anyone seen this disturbing little piece of advertising? It's for a nasty little surveillance device called the "Listen-In" and the commercial irks the living shit out of me every time I see it. Which is every ten minutes lately.

A couple of things:

Isn't it illegal, or at least deeply immoral, to eavesdrop on private conversations using a spy device? Sure, they say you can hear the TV better when it's on quietly, but what they really mean is, "Hey, you can totally hear what that bitch across the street there is saying about you behind your back, then blackmail her later!"

Plus what about that woman at the start? Surely there's some award for someone that irritating? I mean she needs a beating bad. The dude is obviously terrified of her as he makes rubber-faced, apologetic expressions whenever she barks at him. As soon as that guy wants to do anything remotely fun, she's on at him to turn it down so she can hear her obviously riveting phone conversation.

Because that chick is always on the phone. Not once do you hear the husband say, "Jeez woman, fuck off into another room to talk about your gall bladder!" Not once does he say, "Maybe YOU should keep it down, Billy Mays!" Not one time does he punch her in the face and yell, "DIE IN A FIRE, BITCH!" No, he just looks comically terrified and a little disappointed.

And if you're the sort of person who wears one of those devices to take out the garbage on the off chance you can catch the neighbors talking about you, you need serious help, lady. I can't help thinking the ad would be so much more fun if the two chicks were saying, "Have you met the new neighbors, he seems nice and in fact, I shagged him in my kitchen yesterday when he came over to borrow some sugar! Did you see his wife - she's a HORSE!"

Also here's a thought. If you want to hear music while other people are asleep they have this new thing now called "headphones" where you put them over your ears and hear the music REALLY FUCKING LOUDLY and no one else can hear AT ALL. I know, right? It's like magic! All the youngsters are using them nowadays!

My favorite is the part where the smug guy is at the gym listening to two bimbos discussing how hot he is. Here's a thought for YOU, sonny. Maybe if you're spying on people's conversations about you, it would be prudent to NOT HOLD THE DEVICE IN THE AIR IN FRONT OF YOU for the world to see. At the best they're going to know what you're doing and kick you in the nuts (and Lord knows I want to kick you in the nuts) and at the worst they're going to think it's a WALKMAN and think you're hopelessly living in 1984.

And it's a "great way to keep an ear on the children when they're out of range"? I can just imagine the pandemonium when mom hears little Jenny say one of the following:

"Pot is for pussies, got any crack?"
"I don't see any puppies in your van, mister!"
"Five for a hand job, fifteen for a blow job, Principal."

It will end in tears, I'm telling ya.


Poobomber said...

Every time I see this ad I want to strangle the naggy old broad on behalf of the old geezer.

"Can you shut up I'm on the phone?" She's always on the phone. The only time the old dude smiles is when she's sleeping.

katrocket said...

I find the nagging hilarious. I think those two geri-actors are channeling my dead grandparents.

I have a "Listen In" and I can hear everything you say about me, Guv. Yeah, I think you're hot, too.

The Guv'ner said...

Well I guess you heard that stuff about me, Gunther and the goat then huh? Had to happen sooner or later I guess.

SouthernBelle said...

Haha, that's gold. I love how everything they hear about themselves is positive, although I could swear there was an earlier version where the woman hears her neighbor talking about what a nosy old bat she is or some such.

SkylersDad said...

Thanks to this valuable heads up on this listening device, I am now prepared with an air horn just in case I need to break the old bitches ear drums when I see her at the mail box!

i am playing outside said...

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume that you'll be hearing what's happening across the street, but you'll also be hearing loud construction and power lines buzzing and 90 other sources of annoying crazy that you don't wanna hear. what a fantastic background noise enhancer!

Scarlet said...

I can't wait and find someone using it. And then make a loud noise, you know, like, maybe fire a gun or set off a fire alarm. Watching the blood drip from their ears will be hilarious.

Hell, even as they listen to people 40 feet away I'm gonna scream like a runaway psycho patient just to watch them fall to the ground screaming and ripping out the headphones.


Grant Miller said...

Did you guys fire Andy Rooney or something? WTF?

Captain Smack said...

Holy crap! For only $19.95 I can get a microphone AND a volume knob?

pistols at dawn said...

"He seems nice, unlike his vicious, shrewish wife, who's always on about turning the effing volume down."

ÄsK AliCë said...

That crazy old lady needs a serious slap

*screech* "Could you turn it DOWN, my prescription anti-bitch pills have run out and I'm trying to order some more!!"

Rhiannon said...

Your commentary on this commercial is genius. I was laughing so much. So true that the old lady is a total snatch.

Dale said...

It's one of my favourite commercials. I love it when the two women are walking and the 'have you met the neighbours yet?' "I've met him and he seems nice..."
The only thing missing is "She seems like a cunt!".