But Is One Sheet Enough to Wipe Up This Mess of an Ad?

by Katrocket from Rocketradio

This commercial for Bounty Paper Towels makes me wanna choke this father and son:



Are you kidding me, family? Maybe instead of mathematically debating the surface area of the spill, you should just CLEAN THE DAMN THING UP. I mean, it's heading straight for the rug, you idiots! Oh, right, I forgot - maybe if you stand around with your hands on your knees and discuss your attack plan for the spill, a woman will eventually show up and do it for you. And check out how cheery she is about the whole thing. "Oh, no worries, la dee dah!" Yeah, right lady. I don't know any real moms who could restrain themselves from tearing this lot a new bunghole.

Aside from the overwhelming sexism of this ad, I also don't know any consumers who actually choose the "one sheeter" option. I know that when there's a cola tsunami threatening to stain my rugs, I rush in and take a big ol' spin off that roll like it was the Big Wheel Showcase Showdown on The Price is Right. Or better yet... I follow Vince's advice and use my ShamWow!

I propose that Proctor & Gamble should "Fire That Agency!", and hire this brilliant young man named Zach to produce all future television ads for their Bounty brand. I think he's hilarious:



And if Zach isn't available, maybe they need to reanimate that awesome diner dame, Rosie... she didn't take crap from Harry or any other Clumsy McSpillers on her watch:

The Shammy Showdown: Vince vs. Billy Mays

by Katrocket from Rocketradio

Last month, BeckEye warned us to never buy a product with "Sham" right in the name, and asked the question on everyone's minds: "what company wants some coke-addicted, fast-talking douchebag as its spokesperson?"

I'll tell you who: ShamWow's main rival, Zorbeez!

But the clever folks at Zorbeez didn't hire just any slick-talkin', headset-wearin', carpet-stainin' creep. They hired the biggest, loudest, most annoying voice in the informercial universe: the Legendary Billy Mays.

After a head-to-head examination of these two in action, I've determined that they're likely hawking the exact same product, albiet one is made in Germany, and you know Germans make good stuff. But when two powerhouse pitchmen are selling the same item with an almost identical script, it all comes down to the craftsmanship of their delivery:


So let's compare, shall we?

	VINCE (ShamWow)	BILLY (Zorbeez)
Appearance	Moe Syzlak	70s porn snatch with teeth
Delivery	Smarmy; aloof; he can't do this all day.	Loud; really loud
Personal touch	towelling off like a real Olympic swimmer	sponge smelling
Target Demographic	Younger (late nite stoners, flea market enthusiasts)	Older (OCD housewives, chronic cola spillers)
Gimmick factor	"Made in Germany!"	"amazing X27 fiber technology!"
Pricing	8 for $19.99 - 10 yr warranty	10 for $14.99 - free replacments for life
Bonus offer	more Shamwows!	free Zorbeez for life! plus some kinda fringed shammy on a stick that cleans under your doors or pleasures your wife after everything else you've tried has failed.
He thinks you use too many paper towels	$20 a month is "Throwin' yer money away."	2 rolls a week! "That's cash in the trash!"
Final Verdict	Superior German technology and years of carny training help Vince hold his own against the Legend.	No one fucks with Billy Mays, punk.

Never Buy a Product with "Sham" Right in the Name

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

I believe someone mentioned the horrible "ShamWow" commercial in the comments here. I actually had been happily skipping through life never having seen it - until this weekend, when it must have assaulted my eyes and ears at least ten times. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, get ready to be wowed. Or shammed.



I was certainly not "wowed" by this ad. First off, who the HELL is this "Vince" guy? Good Lord, he's one creepy bastard. Those pointy, Neanderthal brows and the overgrown fauxhawk? He looks like a damn Klingon! Who would buy anything from him? And why is he wearing that stupid headset? I'm assuming he's going for the "slick, cool dude" vibe here, so shouldn't he be wearing a Bluetooth or something? That thing looks like something Stacy, your Time-Life operator, would have worn in the early '80s.

And what company WANTS some coke-addicted, fast-talking douchebag as its spokesperson? Does anyone really think this guy is an effective salesman? Didn't we learn long ago not to trust guys like "Vince?" I don't know why I put his name in quotes, because he definitely looks like a Vince. I seriously doubt he's an actor. If he isn't a real estate broker or a used car salesman in real life, I'll eat my hat and buy 20 ShamWows.

If, for some reason, Crazy Brows McGee doesn't turn you off to this commercial, there is still plenty wrong with it.

1. As I mentioned in the title, the name of the product has the word "sham" in it. Sure, so does "shammy," but that's just because people can't spell. It's supposed to be "chamois."

2. Yeah, you can wash it in the washing machine. Still, is it cool to dry your dishes with the same disgusting rag that you use to wash your car and clean up your dog's urine?

3. One of the big selling points of the ShamWow is that it's made in Germany. What does that mean? The Germans made David Hasselhoff a star. What do they know? Furthermore, I don't think blind acceptance of any ideas pushed by the Germans is a very good idea. Read your history books.

4. Vince tells us you can cut the ShamWow in half and use one as a bath mat, drain your dishes with the other one, and use one as a towel. Now, I'm no math whiz, but that doesn't sound quite right.

5. Who spends $20 a month on paper towels? I'm a klutz who spills stuff all the time, and I can make it through at least a month with a $5.00 3-pack.

6. How long do those mini-ShamWows really last?? At 1:25, there is a very obvious over-dub stating that they last 10 years.

7. You get 8 ShamWows for $19.99. It thought this was a multi-purpose, washable miracle product that lasted forever? So, why do you need 8 of them?

If you can see past all that's horrible about this commercial and focus solely on the product, maybe you'll decide that you really need a ShamWow in your life. If you do, make sure you buy directly from Vince. BEWARE OF SHAMWOW IMITATORS! I mistakenly bought something called a ShamWhoa. It cleared out my bank account and skipped town, leaving a trail of cola behind it.