Maybe I have an especially dirty mind, but I happened upon the T.J. Maxx website today (no, I do not shop at that hell hole) and was immediately disturbed by the picture on the main page. You tell me. Am I just sick, or is this an unfortunate photo choice?
Here is an infomercial for Drop Stop - a product that is absolutely of no use to me now that I rely solely on public transportation. (I'm still waiting not-so-patiently for someone to invent a heavy-duty, special subway car deodorizer. Smell Quell or Stench Bench, something like that.) But many of you do drive around in fancy horseless carriages, so this could be of use to you. Especially if you have a bad case of the buttahfingas.
The first thing I must say about this product is that it can't help the guy who drops his keys and cell phone. That guy has bigger problems. Maybe he has arthritis. Maybe his palms sweat profusely. Maybe he was born with two left hands. Or maybe he's just a simpleton. I'm leaning towards the last one. Seriously, who picks up their keys, holds them at eye level, then switches them to the hand opposite of where the ignition is before starting up the car?? And he picked up that cell phone like he just painted his nails and was afraid to touch anything.
Secondly, sure it's a nice idea and probably pretty convenient, but a Drop Stop is $20?? Seriously? No little piece of rubber is worth $20, unless it can keep you safe from STDs too. And since that's not mentioned as one of the product features, I'm guessing that it can't. I can think of at least 500 more useful things that I could buy with $20. Drivers, save your money. Just take one of the small ShamWows, roll it up and stick it in the crack next to your car seat. Problem solved.
Speaking of the ShamWow, the biggest problem I have with the Drop Stop commercial is with its spokesmen. Apparently, they're the inventors of the product. I understand that they want to give their ad a personal touch, but they're so not cut out for this line of work. It takes two of them to do the work of one Billy Mays or Vince Shlomi, and they don't even do it that well. Is it really necessary for them to prattle on and on for more than half of the entire length of the commercial about how great they are for inventing this thing (again, a piece of rubber with a hole in it), and having multiple test subjects (including a future version of Nikki Sixx) agree that it's very useful? No, it isn't. This commercial peaked with the mwah-mwah trombone sound effects, and it should have ended at 1:50, if not sooner.
Although shortening it certainly would have helped, the sad truth is that, nowadays, if an infomercial product isn't being hawked by Billy or Vince, most of us aren't gonna call today. We're gonna delay. I know that using Vince may seem like a risk, ever since his recent problems with the law, but how great would it be to see Vince rolling up next to a hooker, leaning over to the passenger-side window to pay her, then dropping his money into the crevice between his seat and the console. Unreachable! Now, he's gonna get slap-chopped by an angry pimp! That wouldn't have happened if he'd had the Drop Stop!
Updated: Because Beckeye is a demanding, albeit clever bitch, a post title has been added. Thanks Beckeye!
Some days you stumble across a video or commercial that is such a white-hot mess you don't know whether to laugh or poke both your eyes out with a spork.
This wonderful piece of marketing has it all:
Bad acting? Check Bad Music? Check Incredibly bad rip-off of a movie? Double Check! Horrendous special effects? Let's just say that my son's middle school video class turned out a better product.
From the opening 5 seconds of dead air they just left in, cause you know, it costs a lot to do things twice, to the poorly disguised porn movie within the commercial (see 15 seconds, "Isn't there anything I can do?) it just keeps insulting your senses. The guy doing Christopher Lloyd's character of Dr. Emmitt Brown seems to think he is supposed to do him as Adam Sandler! But nothing is quite as bad as the arm pushing the toy dino through the shot.
Well done Insurance King, I am turning over the house and the car to you today!
Some of the greatest badvertising is created without any help from a budget-sucking, long-lunch-eating, golf-playing ad agency. The savvy local businessman knows his money is best spent on copious amounts of airtime, not overrated production values. Local merchants believe that their commercial doesn’t have to be good if it’s running on every regional network every 7 minutes. If you can’t wow your target market with a clever message and professional actors, why not simply bore your slogan into people’s heads with Pavlovian conditioning?
Depending on where you live, you have no doubt suffered through some of the most annoying and ridiculous commercials ever created in the history of advertising. But I’m not ashamed to admit that a part of me is rather amused by the combination of D-grade self-promotion and the quirky personality of the Hometown Vendor. In their own little way, they are stickin’ it to the big brand award-hungry agencies who have somehow convinced themselves that they are making fine art films instead of outrageous profits. In a cage match of Frequency versus Quality, I guarantee you will remember the name and slogan of your irritating local car dealer far better than you’re able to recall a specific car commercial and slogan from a global automaker. To me, all car commercials look exactly the same, but I’ll never forget a crazy dude in a used car lot wearing a Superman cape.
I’ve dug up some homemade gems from here and abroad - if you’d like to share your own hometown disasters, leave a comment with a link the the clip(if available).
Russell "Cashman" Oliver Jewellery - Toronto, Canada Slogan: “I’m your Cash Man – give you money for your gold oh yeah!” The Hook: Eurotrash clubmix penetrates your brain and won’t let go. The Bait: Sexy backup dancers - Cashgirls by day, "feature dancer" by night The Catch: This is probably the best produced Cashman ad in a large repertoire of cringe-worthy commercials
Sammy Stevens' Flea Market Montgomery - Montgomery, Alabama Slogan: “It’s just like a mini mall!” The Hook: Livin’ rooms, bedrooms, dinettes, we talkin’ bout a badass beat The Bait: Colourful fashions, slick moves, and an attractive outdoor shot of the cube van fleet The Catch: You need it! (He got it.) Hey hey.
Mel Farr Superstar Ford – Detroit, Michigan Slogan: “Mel Farr Superstar for a Farr better deal” The Hook: Someone’s crazy granny yelling “superstars!” at beginning of ad The Bait: Tandem fly-by with co-star Billy Sims (Detroit Lions’ star RB from 1980-84) over Greenfield and 10 Mile Road The Catch: Awesome editing turns a simple sideways hop into a stellar two-point landing.
Eagle Auto Insurance - Chicago, Illinois Slogan: "I've got something for yoooooou!" The Hook: Chicks with bad 80s hair are terrible drivers who can't be bothered with details like insurance... and not hitting stuff. The Bait: Surprise! Sideshow eagle just laid a big one on your car. The Catch: Messed up eagle-baby puppet delivers flyer, but instead of predictable flaily-armed screaming/running away, the ladies are hypnotized. Ooooh. Look at those low rates.
Prusakolep (roach traps, I thiink) - Warsaw, Poland Slogan: "Pluskwy puszka metalowa ssać ono"(translation: "Bugs can suck it.") The Hook: karaluch (cockroach) ruins dinner party/ people's lives/ any interest I might have had in visiting Poland The Bait: Prusakolep! The Catch: Someone was on drugs.
I believe someone mentioned the horrible "ShamWow" commercial in the comments here. I actually had been happily skipping through life never having seen it - until this weekend, when it must have assaulted my eyes and ears at least ten times. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, get ready to be wowed. Or shammed.
I was certainly not "wowed" by this ad. First off, who the HELL is this "Vince" guy? Good Lord, he's one creepy bastard. Those pointy, Neanderthal brows and the overgrown fauxhawk? He looks like a damn Klingon! Who would buy anything from him? And why is he wearing that stupid headset? I'm assuming he's going for the "slick, cool dude" vibe here, so shouldn't he be wearing a Bluetooth or something? That thing looks like something Stacy, your Time-Life operator, would have worn in the early '80s.
And what company WANTS some coke-addicted, fast-talking douchebag as its spokesperson? Does anyone really think this guy is an effective salesman? Didn't we learn long ago not to trust guys like "Vince?" I don't know why I put his name in quotes, because he definitely looks like a Vince. I seriously doubt he's an actor. If he isn't a real estate broker or a used car salesman in real life, I'll eat my hat and buy 20 ShamWows.
If, for some reason, Crazy Brows McGee doesn't turn you off to this commercial, there is still plenty wrong with it.
1. As I mentioned in the title, the name of the product has the word "sham" in it. Sure, so does "shammy," but that's just because people can't spell. It's supposed to be "chamois."
2. Yeah, you can wash it in the washing machine. Still, is it cool to dry your dishes with the same disgusting rag that you use to wash your car and clean up your dog's urine?
3. One of the big selling points of the ShamWow is that it's made in Germany. What does that mean? The Germans made David Hasselhoff a star. What do they know? Furthermore, I don't think blind acceptance of any ideas pushed by the Germans is a very good idea. Read your history books.
4. Vince tells us you can cut the ShamWow in half and use one as a bath mat, drain your dishes with the other one, and use one as a towel. Now, I'm no math whiz, but that doesn't sound quite right.
5. Who spends $20 a month on paper towels? I'm a klutz who spills stuff all the time, and I can make it through at least a month with a $5.00 3-pack.
6. How long do those mini-ShamWows really last?? At 1:25, there is a very obvious over-dub stating that they last 10 years.
7. You get 8 ShamWows for $19.99. It thought this was a multi-purpose, washable miracle product that lasted forever? So, why do you need 8 of them?
If you can see past all that's horrible about this commercial and focus solely on the product, maybe you'll decide that you really need a ShamWow in your life. If you do, make sure you buy directly from Vince. BEWARE OF SHAMWOW IMITATORS! I mistakenly bought something called a ShamWhoa. It cleared out my bank account and skipped town, leaving a trail of cola behind it.
There is this chick who seems to be on my TV constantly these days. She is the most obnoxious person I think I have ever seen in my life. I loathe her, despite the fact that I don't even know her name.
You may have seen her too - this broad in the Secret Flawless deodorant commercial* who is walking down the street with her arms up in the air like she in da club, and generally being a menace to all passersby. She walks past some suit and commands him to give her a high five, then giggles and squeakily boasts, "I didn't even know that guy!" (I'll bet she's said that on a lot of hungover mornings.) Then, she hails a cab like a complete spaz and, after the guy stops, she's like, "No thanks, I'd rather walk." Yeah. Let's see her try that in New York for real. A cabbie wouldn't think twice about running her skinny little ass over.
I don't know why I hate this woman so much. She's either just that annoying, or I'm becoming a rage-a-holic. Whatever the case may be, I know this. If I ever see her on the street, I am going to rip her arms off. Then we'll see how damn good she smells.
*I was going to link the video for anyone who hadn't seen it yet, but I can't seem to find it. Apparently, everyone else hates it too, possibly even Procter & Gamble who haven't even bothered to slap the ad up on YouTube for some fast, free publicity.
Like many of us, I spend way too much time consuming media, and it comes at a high price: the constant assault of ridiculous marketing messages. Whenever I see a really stupid TV commercial or print ad that fails on every possible level, I've been known to yell "Fire that agency!!!" at my television, because the agencies that make these crappy ads probably shouldn't be in business.
We've all seen advertisements that absolutely ENRAGE us, whether it be by sheer annoyance of the actor(s) involved, mind-numbing repetition, or by insulting our intelligence. I have worked in advertising for a long time, and I've attended countless creative briefings, brainstorming meetings, casting sessions, and production shoots with the self-congratulatory idiots who actually come up with these stupid ideas. Most of the time, they high-five each other and think they've just paved a new road to Awesometown. But so many ad agencies fail miserably at promoting products that no one needs or cares about, treat the general public like a bunch of 5th graders (okay, maybe it's deserved sometimes), and annoy the living hell out of us. I've worked on some campaigns myself where I clearly remember thinking: Our client should totally fire us for making this piece of shit and convincing them it's brilliant.
So I'm starting this blog about the best and worst commercials on TV, radio, the web and in print, and I extend an invitation to all of you to send in your own reviews or suggestions.
We're not interested in discussing the moral or global economic impact of corporate consumerism - that's what Adbusters is for. We are here for pure comedy. Advertising is inescapable, so we might as well have some fun with it.
If you'd like to contribute a post, share a link, or suggest a most heinous or hilarious ad for a story, send an e-mail to firethatagency@gmail.com ... and if you add us to your blogroll, we'll gladly return the favour.
There is this chick who seems to be on my TV constantly these days. She is the most obnoxious person I think I have ever seen in my life. I loathe her, despite the fact that I don't even know her name.
Like many of us, I spend way too much time consuming media, and it comes at a high price: the constant assault of ridiculous marketing messages. Whenever I see a really stupid TV commercial or print ad that fails on every possible level, I've been known to yell "Fire that agency!!!" at my television, because the agencies that make these crappy ads probably shouldn't be in business.
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