Slap-Happy Vince

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

Just when you thought that Vince (of ShamWow fame) was just to be a supernova, gradually disappearing until forgotten from the infomercial universe ruled by Billy Mays, he's returned to fight for his star status.

While nearly everything is hilariously wrong with the ShamWow infomercial, the new spot for the Slap Chop is just plain hilarious. It seems that Vince has realized what a tool he is, and is now parodying himself all for the glory of the Slap Chop.



Why this infomercial will sell 40 million Slap Chops:

1. Sex sells, and there are plenty of sexual innuendos to go around here. Such as...

:02 - You're gonna be in a great mood all day because you're gonna be slapping your troubles away.
:32 - This thing...this tuna? Looks boring. Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life.
:55 - You're gonna love my nuts.
1:04 - If I can do it with one finger, you guys can do it with your whole hand.

2. Vince will berate you like the fat, non-vegetable eating pig that you are if you don't buy this product!

:15 - Ya love salad, ya hate making it. You KNOW you hate making salads! That's why you don't have any salad in your diet! Hey, ears open, mouth shut!!Do NOT back-sass me! I will slap chop you to Kingdom Come! I'm Vince, dammit!
:22 - I love pizza too, but once in a while, get the veggies in. You Pizza the Hutt-looking bastard. Look at you, you've got pizza sauce all over your shirt, you worthless slob. Jesus, take a walk or something! Go to the gym once in a while! I know Tony Little, lemme hook you up with a Gazelle.
2:05 - Guys, we're gonna make America skinny again...one slap at a time! I can slap all day, Tubby. And I have absolutely nowhere else to be. Just try me.

3. It pops open like a butterfly. Have you ever seen anything so beautiful??

4. All those other chopping machines on the market? Bacteria traps! Worthless! Fuhgettaboutit!!

5. At 1:35, while illustrating the above point, Vince tosses a competitor's product into the sink behind him. I have it on good authority that he made it on the first take. Do you think Billy Mays could've done that? Heck no! Vince is a pro, people!

6. Every time you cut an onion the old-fashioned way, you make Vince cry. You think about that now, you selfish, heartless, knife-wielding lunatics.

7. Did you see that onion skin come off at the 2-minute mark?? That was amazing! What do you mean you didn't see it? There was an arrow pointing right to it, you idiot! How much easier can the Slap Chop people make this for you? Oh, why don't you go eat another slice of your double cheese pizza, pig!

8. Vince has got more rhymes than Nipsy Russell. (2:30)

9. He's giving you a free Graty. Just take it and shut up.

10. YOU KNOW HE CAN'T DO THIS ALL DAY, RIGHT?? Time is of the essence, people. You following me? I think you are.

My only concern about this product is that it's not made in Germany and, therefore, will most likely fall apart after 2-3 uses.

Never Buy a Product with "Sham" Right in the Name

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

I believe someone mentioned the horrible "ShamWow" commercial in the comments here. I actually had been happily skipping through life never having seen it - until this weekend, when it must have assaulted my eyes and ears at least ten times. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, get ready to be wowed. Or shammed.



I was certainly not "wowed" by this ad. First off, who the HELL is this "Vince" guy? Good Lord, he's one creepy bastard. Those pointy, Neanderthal brows and the overgrown fauxhawk? He looks like a damn Klingon! Who would buy anything from him? And why is he wearing that stupid headset? I'm assuming he's going for the "slick, cool dude" vibe here, so shouldn't he be wearing a Bluetooth or something? That thing looks like something Stacy, your Time-Life operator, would have worn in the early '80s.

And what company WANTS some coke-addicted, fast-talking douchebag as its spokesperson? Does anyone really think this guy is an effective salesman? Didn't we learn long ago not to trust guys like "Vince?" I don't know why I put his name in quotes, because he definitely looks like a Vince. I seriously doubt he's an actor. If he isn't a real estate broker or a used car salesman in real life, I'll eat my hat and buy 20 ShamWows.

If, for some reason, Crazy Brows McGee doesn't turn you off to this commercial, there is still plenty wrong with it.

1. As I mentioned in the title, the name of the product has the word "sham" in it. Sure, so does "shammy," but that's just because people can't spell. It's supposed to be "chamois."

2. Yeah, you can wash it in the washing machine. Still, is it cool to dry your dishes with the same disgusting rag that you use to wash your car and clean up your dog's urine?

3. One of the big selling points of the ShamWow is that it's made in Germany. What does that mean? The Germans made David Hasselhoff a star. What do they know? Furthermore, I don't think blind acceptance of any ideas pushed by the Germans is a very good idea. Read your history books.

4. Vince tells us you can cut the ShamWow in half and use one as a bath mat, drain your dishes with the other one, and use one as a towel. Now, I'm no math whiz, but that doesn't sound quite right.

5. Who spends $20 a month on paper towels? I'm a klutz who spills stuff all the time, and I can make it through at least a month with a $5.00 3-pack.

6. How long do those mini-ShamWows really last?? At 1:25, there is a very obvious over-dub stating that they last 10 years.

7. You get 8 ShamWows for $19.99. It thought this was a multi-purpose, washable miracle product that lasted forever? So, why do you need 8 of them?

If you can see past all that's horrible about this commercial and focus solely on the product, maybe you'll decide that you really need a ShamWow in your life. If you do, make sure you buy directly from Vince. BEWARE OF SHAMWOW IMITATORS! I mistakenly bought something called a ShamWhoa. It cleared out my bank account and skipped town, leaving a trail of cola behind it.

Scent of a Woman

by The Guv from Psycho Secretary

There's an ad doing the rounds, currently, that has me simultaneously scratching my head and by pure suggestion my crotch (much in the same way that you hear someone mention spiders then start feeling them crawling on your skin). The ad's for "RePhresh" a new product that disguises "feminine odor". You might have seen it - four smug, skinny ladies sitting around in mood lighting declaring the advantages of spritzing one's muff with some Ph balanced deodorant? I would like to kill whoever, a) dreamed up the obnoxiously comical ad, and b) the douche (pardon the relevance) who decided such a product was necessary.



Apparently we ladies should be using this product after "intimacy", after "douching" and after our period, because otherwise we'll carry the stench of a million decaying haddock.

I don't know exactly what sort of woman this thing is aimed at. I mean, I've been around for quite a few years now and I can't say I've ever smelled a lady's pie as she walked by in the street, or sat opposite me in a bar. I've never once had to open a window because some female had a cooter that smelled like the county dump in July.

I mean it was obviously a man who came up with this product, right? I've never met a woman who gave a rat's ass about "feminine odor" because generally I find women like to bathe, unless their best friend is a freeze block and they live under a bridge someplace. I find that women who like to bathe, in general, don't have smelly hoodillies.

This product is just plain dumb. Everyone knows that a lady's special place is self-cleaning and that depositing strange cleaning products – be they special vagina-spritzing perfumes, deodorants or Lysol – is a bad idea. But way to play on a lady's insecurities by suggesting she might have a strange foreign smell in her pants that is shameful. Thanks a lot for trying to produce a nation full of anxious, self-hating women all spraying chemicals on their cookie just in case they have the dreaded "Stench of Woman".

The only thing dumber than the product is the ad. Cocky-looking, "we know something you don't" ladies in trendy soccer mom garb, dancing around proudly proclaiming their snatches smell like roses, while extreme close ups reveal their self-righteous smirks.

Screw you, ad guys. This ad makes me homicidal.