Internet banners are rarely featured on Fire That Agency!, but hey, I rarely contribute to this blog that I've neglected for so very long, so it's a fitting occasion for a comeback.
I saw this online ad last week and it compelled me to return here and ask you just WHAT THE FUCK DOES THE FRIGHTENED OLD MAN HAVE TO DO WITH A SCHOOL LOAN?!
Oh Agency, you are so fucking fired.
I understand that if I earn less than $45,000 a year, I'm totally going to need a grant to go back to school. I'm not sure how clicking on my state will help, but where you really lose me is with the photo.
What exactly is going on here? Grandpa's not going to the bathroom on his own, so I doubt he's up for college. So is this the guy who's granting money to qualified people? Do I have to rob this scared little man for tuition?!
Poor fella doesn't look well at all. Maybe he's just as confused as I am? "How the hell did my photo end up on the innerwebs? Goddamn kids!"
I guess on some level this works because they definitely got my attention. They also got me to come out of semi-retirement to tell the rest of you about it.
It's not easy for an advertising agency to launch a new brand of chewing gum. The market is oversaturated with gimmicky, mouth-assaulting flavours and textures, and I suspect that the majority of people who enjoy chewing gum have already settled on a long term favourite from their youth, some of which may include very unfunny comics from the 1940s (I'm lookin' at YOU, Bazooka Joe).
Here's two new gum brands with two different approaches to advertising - physical comedy vs. special effects - with one clear winner.
I don't have any official marketing data on this, but I'm guessing the primary demographic for chewing gum is likely around ages 12-24, a powerful consumer group that demands high production values and edgy visuals, so it's not surprising that BBDO went apeshit with some crazy CG and elaborate sets for their "Stimulate Your Senses" campaign for Wrigley's "5" Gum:
Campaign: "Stimulate Your Senses" for Wrigley's 5 Gum Fire That Agency!: Energy BBDO Chicago / AMV BBDO London
Spot 1: Flare (Cinnamon)
This could be my age talking, but when I chew gum, I'm not all that interested in having a Lara Croft experience. I just want some fresh breath, man - no need for extreme sports. I also like to know what flavour I'm about to chew, so please stop naming your product after drag queens.
Spot 2: Elixer (Mouthwatering Berry)
Another Tomb Raideresque adventure in gum chewing. This time, Lara's trapped in a bizarre purple Kool-Aid flood tube and apparently loving it. This ad always reminds me of that Simpson's episode where Rainer Wolfcastle is assaulted by a tidal wave of nuclear waste: "My eyes! The goggles do nothing!".
Spot 3: Lush (Crisp Tropical)
Can we all agree that getting bombed by sticky bits of citrus is not the most desirable or refreshing feeling ever? This commercial gives me the sudden urge to shower. I'd like to see the footage taken 2 minutes later when the giant bee swarm shows up for sloppy seconds.
Spot 4: Rain (Spearmint)
Okay, this is just plain ridiculous. If I wanted to lie down with metal balls and the world's biggest speakers, I'd be sleeping with Lemmy from Motorhead.
Spot 5: Cobalt (Peppermint)
I think someone at BBDO may have watched Running Man the night before this pitch. This ad might be slightly more enjoyable if the Hockey Death Squad was allowed to play along.
Campaign: "Spit It Out" for Cadbury Adams USA LLC's Stride Gum Hire That Agency!: JWT New York
JWT takes the perceived weakness of the Stride brand (long-lasting flavour = reduced consumption of product) and literally knocks it on its ass with a stealth groin shot from an angry ram. It's unexpected, it's hilarious, it's a cheaper ad to produce, and it effectively communicates the brand's message without insulting our intelligence. Well played.
This commercial for Bounty Paper Towels makes me wanna choke this father and son:
Are you kidding me, family? Maybe instead of mathematically debating the surface area of the spill, you should just CLEAN THE DAMN THING UP. I mean, it's heading straight for the rug, you idiots! Oh, right, I forgot - maybe if you stand around with your hands on your knees and discuss your attack plan for the spill, a woman will eventually show up and do it for you. And check out how cheery she is about the whole thing. "Oh, no worries, la dee dah!" Yeah, right lady. I don't know any real moms who could restrain themselves from tearing this lot a new bunghole.
Aside from the overwhelming sexism of this ad, I also don't know any consumers who actually choose the "one sheeter" option. I know that when there's a cola tsunami threatening to stain my rugs, I rush in and take a big ol' spin off that roll like it was the Big Wheel Showcase Showdown on The Price is Right. Or better yet... I follow Vince's advice and use my ShamWow!
I propose that Proctor & Gamble should "Fire That Agency!", and hire this brilliant young man named Zach to produce all future television ads for their Bounty brand. I think he's hilarious:
And if Zach isn't available, maybe they need to reanimate that awesome diner dame, Rosie... she didn't take crap from Harry or any other Clumsy McSpillers on her watch:
I am beginning to realize that if we don't start jamming up these 12 Ads of Christmas, well, we're not going to finish this stupid series. I solemnly promise to never again commit to a task I'm required to repeat at least a dozen times. I will admit it was an ambitious and arrogant dream for a blogger with such a brief attention span.
So, for the sixth, seventh, and eighth ads of Christmas, FTA brings to you:
Day 6 - Mac Vs. PC: Animated for the Holidays
John Hodgeman and Justin Long are back - in animated form - with a new series of ads for Apple. I'm not sure if this was a clever way to let these increasingly busy actors literally phone in their performances, or some kind of tribute to the Rankin/Bass holiday specials of the 60s and 70s, but I can tolerate this ad for one reason only: the bunny gets it.
The cocktail party season pumps billions of dollars into the cosmetics and fashion industries, and because it's not enough that we blow our budgets on shopping, travel, and home entertaining - we go into debt so we can look really pretty doing all these things. Sorry gentlemen, but we don't do it just for you. The holidays are happier when those bitches at the office are wicked jealous of awesome you look. This 2007 holiday ad for Boots (a pharmacy chain in the UK and Canada) pretty much sums it up:
Day 8 - The Empty Promise of Peace on Earth
You know what, people? World peace is never going to happen, so I wish you'd stop harshin' my eggnog buzz with all this crap about sharing and caring. The last time I believed in that stuff was at age 10, performing "I'd Like to Teach The World To Sing" with the school choir. That was the year I began my tutelage in the fine art of profane comedy, when Gordie Grant taught me it's way more hilarious to sing "...and furniSHIT! with love..." instead of that awkward pause our teacher demanded. This classic Coca Cola ad from 1984 is a holiday redux of the famous Buy The World a Coke ad from 1971.
We'll be right back with the 12 Ads of Christmas after these important messages...
Fire That Agency! came online just two and half months ago, but your enthusiastic support has led to a nomination for a 2008 Drysdale Award for "Blog With The Most Stolen or Unattributed Material"
We're up against some very tough competition, specifically Skyler's Dad, who is a highly-respected international authority in the field of stolen or unattributed material. He's so accomplished, that he doesn't even need to write words to go along with the images and videos he steals, and most of the time he just repeats things that other people say on their blogs. It will be a challenge to beat him, and although Skyler's Dad is a cherished friend to FTA, we think the trophy would look waaaay better in our office.
Our hard-working Research Department tirelessly scans the net daily for the most heinous commercials, the funniest ads, and the finest masterpieces of marketing so that we can all sit around and bitch about them, so please show them your love and drop on over to Grant Miller Media and vote for us in the left sidebar.
Several of our staff writers have also been nominated for awards, further proof that we've assembled the very best bloggers to bring you the very worst on TV. Congratulations go out to:
Pistols At Dawn (7 nominations)- Blogger of the Year, Blog With the Most Pictures of the Blogger, Least Logical Political Argument in a Single Post, Most Pointless Blog Posts, Longest Posts, Worst Commenter, Blogger Whose Online Person is Cooler Than His or Her Real Persona
BeckEye (3 nominations)- Blogger of the Year, Blog With the Most Text-Messaging Jargon, Blurriest Photos,
Katrocket (2 nominations)- Blogger of the Year, Blogger Whose Online Person is Cooler Than His or Her Real Persona
TBWA Vancouver is a brilliant and highly creative ad agency that deserves your love and respect for making a fucking awesome Christmas commercial like this:
Stay tuned during December for more festive ad rants and raves, and please tell us about your most loved and hated Christmas commercials. Just leave a comment, or suggest a clip to firethatagency@gmail.com - we'll feature your choices for best and worst holiday ads later in the month. If you'd like to contribute your own article, just e-mail us!
Only 23 more shopping days until Christmas, and we're waist-deep in holiday commercials, arguably the worst kind of commercial an agency will ever be asked to make. Competition is fierce, and companies are desperate for your hot cash injection (especially during a recession). They will stop at nothing to persuade you to buy things you can't afford, so the Baby Jesus can guilt you into giving those things away to other people.
My goal for FTA this month is to write twelve posts about Christmas ads, but given my fear of commitment, holidays, and the Partridges, this idea is likely ill-conceived.
On the first day of Christmas, FTA gives to you: A Reality Check
Sometimes men believe that the awesomest gift they can buy for their special lady is lingerie, since it should logically lead them to a hidden prize showcase in the bedroom. Not so.
This agency should be fired for convincing men that women want this:
And this agency should be highly commended for revealing the truth:
Like many of us, I spend way too much time consuming media, and it comes at a high price: the constant assault of ridiculous marketing messages. Whenever I see a really stupid TV commercial or print ad that fails on every possible level, I've been known to yell "Fire that agency!!!" at my television, because the agencies that make these crappy ads probably shouldn't be in business.
We've all seen advertisements that absolutely ENRAGE us, whether it be by sheer annoyance of the actor(s) involved, mind-numbing repetition, or by insulting our intelligence. I have worked in advertising for a long time, and I've attended countless creative briefings, brainstorming meetings, casting sessions, and production shoots with the self-congratulatory idiots who actually come up with these stupid ideas. Most of the time, they high-five each other and think they've just paved a new road to Awesometown. But so many ad agencies fail miserably at promoting products that no one needs or cares about, treat the general public like a bunch of 5th graders (okay, maybe it's deserved sometimes), and annoy the living hell out of us. I've worked on some campaigns myself where I clearly remember thinking: Our client should totally fire us for making this piece of shit and convincing them it's brilliant.
So I'm starting this blog about the best and worst commercials on TV, radio, the web and in print, and I extend an invitation to all of you to send in your own reviews or suggestions.
We're not interested in discussing the moral or global economic impact of corporate consumerism - that's what Adbusters is for. We are here for pure comedy. Advertising is inescapable, so we might as well have some fun with it.
If you'd like to contribute a post, share a link, or suggest a most heinous or hilarious ad for a story, send an e-mail to firethatagency@gmail.com ... and if you add us to your blogroll, we'll gladly return the favour.
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