Drop Stop It Like It's Hot

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

Here is an infomercial for Drop Stop - a product that is absolutely of no use to me now that I rely solely on public transportation. (I'm still waiting not-so-patiently for someone to invent a heavy-duty, special subway car deodorizer. Smell Quell or Stench Bench, something like that.) But many of you do drive around in fancy horseless carriages, so this could be of use to you. Especially if you have a bad case of the buttahfingas.



The first thing I must say about this product is that it can't help the guy who drops his keys and cell phone. That guy has bigger problems. Maybe he has arthritis. Maybe his palms sweat profusely. Maybe he was born with two left hands. Or maybe he's just a simpleton. I'm leaning towards the last one. Seriously, who picks up their keys, holds them at eye level, then switches them to the hand opposite of where the ignition is before starting up the car?? And he picked up that cell phone like he just painted his nails and was afraid to touch anything.

Secondly, sure it's a nice idea and probably pretty convenient, but a Drop Stop is $20?? Seriously? No little piece of rubber is worth $20, unless it can keep you safe from STDs too. And since that's not mentioned as one of the product features, I'm guessing that it can't. I can think of at least 500 more useful things that I could buy with $20. Drivers, save your money. Just take one of the small ShamWows, roll it up and stick it in the crack next to your car seat. Problem solved.

Speaking of the ShamWow, the biggest problem I have with the Drop Stop commercial is with its spokesmen. Apparently, they're the inventors of the product. I understand that they want to give their ad a personal touch, but they're so not cut out for this line of work. It takes two of them to do the work of one Billy Mays or Vince Shlomi, and they don't even do it that well. Is it really necessary for them to prattle on and on for more than half of the entire length of the commercial about how great they are for inventing this thing (again, a piece of rubber with a hole in it), and having multiple test subjects (including a future version of Nikki Sixx) agree that it's very useful? No, it isn't. This commercial peaked with the mwah-mwah trombone sound effects, and it should have ended at 1:50, if not sooner.

Although shortening it certainly would have helped, the sad truth is that, nowadays, if an infomercial product isn't being hawked by Billy or Vince, most of us aren't gonna call today. We're gonna delay. I know that using Vince may seem like a risk, ever since his recent problems with the law, but how great would it be to see Vince rolling up next to a hooker, leaning over to the passenger-side window to pay her, then dropping his money into the crevice between his seat and the console. Unreachable! Now, he's gonna get slap-chopped by an angry pimp! That wouldn't have happened if he'd had the Drop Stop!

Slap-Happy Vince

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

Just when you thought that Vince (of ShamWow fame) was just to be a supernova, gradually disappearing until forgotten from the infomercial universe ruled by Billy Mays, he's returned to fight for his star status.

While nearly everything is hilariously wrong with the ShamWow infomercial, the new spot for the Slap Chop is just plain hilarious. It seems that Vince has realized what a tool he is, and is now parodying himself all for the glory of the Slap Chop.



Why this infomercial will sell 40 million Slap Chops:

1. Sex sells, and there are plenty of sexual innuendos to go around here. Such as...

:02 - You're gonna be in a great mood all day because you're gonna be slapping your troubles away.
:32 - This thing...this tuna? Looks boring. Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life.
:55 - You're gonna love my nuts.
1:04 - If I can do it with one finger, you guys can do it with your whole hand.

2. Vince will berate you like the fat, non-vegetable eating pig that you are if you don't buy this product!

:15 - Ya love salad, ya hate making it. You KNOW you hate making salads! That's why you don't have any salad in your diet! Hey, ears open, mouth shut!!Do NOT back-sass me! I will slap chop you to Kingdom Come! I'm Vince, dammit!
:22 - I love pizza too, but once in a while, get the veggies in. You Pizza the Hutt-looking bastard. Look at you, you've got pizza sauce all over your shirt, you worthless slob. Jesus, take a walk or something! Go to the gym once in a while! I know Tony Little, lemme hook you up with a Gazelle.
2:05 - Guys, we're gonna make America skinny again...one slap at a time! I can slap all day, Tubby. And I have absolutely nowhere else to be. Just try me.

3. It pops open like a butterfly. Have you ever seen anything so beautiful??

4. All those other chopping machines on the market? Bacteria traps! Worthless! Fuhgettaboutit!!

5. At 1:35, while illustrating the above point, Vince tosses a competitor's product into the sink behind him. I have it on good authority that he made it on the first take. Do you think Billy Mays could've done that? Heck no! Vince is a pro, people!

6. Every time you cut an onion the old-fashioned way, you make Vince cry. You think about that now, you selfish, heartless, knife-wielding lunatics.

7. Did you see that onion skin come off at the 2-minute mark?? That was amazing! What do you mean you didn't see it? There was an arrow pointing right to it, you idiot! How much easier can the Slap Chop people make this for you? Oh, why don't you go eat another slice of your double cheese pizza, pig!

8. Vince has got more rhymes than Nipsy Russell. (2:30)

9. He's giving you a free Graty. Just take it and shut up.

10. YOU KNOW HE CAN'T DO THIS ALL DAY, RIGHT?? Time is of the essence, people. You following me? I think you are.

My only concern about this product is that it's not made in Germany and, therefore, will most likely fall apart after 2-3 uses.