Oh, Yes, I Suppose There Were Some Commercials During The Super Bowl

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

Wow! Did you guys catch those Super Bowl ads? Did they not make up some of the most exciting and historic moments in Super Bowl history?? Like when that Clydesdale intercepted Alec Baldwin's pass and returned it 100 yards for a TD to end the first quarter? Or when the E-Trade baby caught that bag of Doritos deep in the right corner of the end zone with only 35 seconds left in the game? Brilliance, people. Sheer brilliance.

Okay, so if you didn't already know, you might be getting the sense that the Super Bowl itself was much more important to me than the commercials. And, although it damn well was, I did manage to pick out several ads that I liked. This was especially quite a feat in the 4th Quarter, considering that my heart actually stopped a couple of times.

I realize that we tend to focus on ridiculing "badvertising" here at FTA, but I am in a damn good mood and will, therefore, give some love to the best of this year's Super Bowl commercials.

1st Quarter
Like its last play, the 1st quarter's last commercial was the best. Even though I hate Budweiser because it's kind of shitty and always gives me a throbbing headache, I adore any of their commercials with the Clydesdales and that beer-loving Dalmatian.

Budweiser "Fetch"


Honorable mention: Conan O'Brien's Bud Light spot was a vroom vroom party starter!

2nd Quarter
It's the triumphant return of the E-Trade baby! I realize that most of America is still split over the whole talking baby issue, and while I agree that such things are usually creepy, this particular baby never fails to crack me up. And baby's new friend spontaneously bursting into a Mr. Mister '80s classic nearly had me choking on my meatball sandwich. (See, Bruce? Not ALL of America was eating chicken fingers.)

E-Trade Babies, "Broken Wings"

Honorable mention: The ultimate point behind the Cars.com "David Abernathy" ad was weak, but everything up until the sell was pretty funny.

3rd Quarter
Commercials about job suckage are always good. And while this year's CareerBuilder spot wasn't as funny as their previous monkey campaign, how often do you get to see a bespectacled Koala get punched in the face?

CareerBuilder.com, "Hate Work"


Honorable mention: It wasn't funny, but I loved the Coca Cola "Picnic" commercial. The special effects were cool and the whole thing was just very cute and clever, especially the ending where the Coke was poured into the leaves.

4th Quarter
The last quarter had the highest percentage of good commercial spots, and they weren't the only "spots" I was seeing at that point.

Hulu, Alec Baldwin
Mmmmmmmmm...cerebral mush.


Cash 4 Gold, MC Hammer/Ed McMahon
My gold sledgehammer!


Honorable mention: Will Forte's foray into commercials with his SNL character MacGruber aka Pepsuber, also starring Kristin Wiig and Richard Dean "MacGyver" Anderson.

My favorite commercial of all also came in the last quarter, and it should shock no one that it was a Steelers-related ad. When the Troy Polamalu Coke Zero spot started, I was actually annoyed, thinking that they were going to do a frame-by-frame ripoff of the classic Mean Joe Green commercial. However, the ad poked fun at how lame that would really be and...well, it starred Troy Polamalu so it was AWESOME!!! And so was the game!!! STEELERS, BABY!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!!!!

Coke Zero, Troy Polamalu/Brand Managers

I'd also like to share my favorite Super Bowl-related print ad, which I saw in Monday's Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. I couldn't fit the whole page in, so just make a note that this ad is brought to us by the good folks at Highmark.



Whoever Highmark's ad agency is really knows us Southwestern Pennsylvanians. Just combine two of our favorite things - fuzzy rodents and football - and we're happy. There's only one way that ad could be better, and that would be if Punxsy Phil were eating a Smiley cookie.

Drop Stop It Like It's Hot

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

Here is an infomercial for Drop Stop - a product that is absolutely of no use to me now that I rely solely on public transportation. (I'm still waiting not-so-patiently for someone to invent a heavy-duty, special subway car deodorizer. Smell Quell or Stench Bench, something like that.) But many of you do drive around in fancy horseless carriages, so this could be of use to you. Especially if you have a bad case of the buttahfingas.



The first thing I must say about this product is that it can't help the guy who drops his keys and cell phone. That guy has bigger problems. Maybe he has arthritis. Maybe his palms sweat profusely. Maybe he was born with two left hands. Or maybe he's just a simpleton. I'm leaning towards the last one. Seriously, who picks up their keys, holds them at eye level, then switches them to the hand opposite of where the ignition is before starting up the car?? And he picked up that cell phone like he just painted his nails and was afraid to touch anything.

Secondly, sure it's a nice idea and probably pretty convenient, but a Drop Stop is $20?? Seriously? No little piece of rubber is worth $20, unless it can keep you safe from STDs too. And since that's not mentioned as one of the product features, I'm guessing that it can't. I can think of at least 500 more useful things that I could buy with $20. Drivers, save your money. Just take one of the small ShamWows, roll it up and stick it in the crack next to your car seat. Problem solved.

Speaking of the ShamWow, the biggest problem I have with the Drop Stop commercial is with its spokesmen. Apparently, they're the inventors of the product. I understand that they want to give their ad a personal touch, but they're so not cut out for this line of work. It takes two of them to do the work of one Billy Mays or Vince Shlomi, and they don't even do it that well. Is it really necessary for them to prattle on and on for more than half of the entire length of the commercial about how great they are for inventing this thing (again, a piece of rubber with a hole in it), and having multiple test subjects (including a future version of Nikki Sixx) agree that it's very useful? No, it isn't. This commercial peaked with the mwah-mwah trombone sound effects, and it should have ended at 1:50, if not sooner.

Although shortening it certainly would have helped, the sad truth is that, nowadays, if an infomercial product isn't being hawked by Billy or Vince, most of us aren't gonna call today. We're gonna delay. I know that using Vince may seem like a risk, ever since his recent problems with the law, but how great would it be to see Vince rolling up next to a hooker, leaning over to the passenger-side window to pay her, then dropping his money into the crevice between his seat and the console. Unreachable! Now, he's gonna get slap-chopped by an angry pimp! That wouldn't have happened if he'd had the Drop Stop!

Never Buy a Product with "Sham" Right in the Name

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

I believe someone mentioned the horrible "ShamWow" commercial in the comments here. I actually had been happily skipping through life never having seen it - until this weekend, when it must have assaulted my eyes and ears at least ten times. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, get ready to be wowed. Or shammed.



I was certainly not "wowed" by this ad. First off, who the HELL is this "Vince" guy? Good Lord, he's one creepy bastard. Those pointy, Neanderthal brows and the overgrown fauxhawk? He looks like a damn Klingon! Who would buy anything from him? And why is he wearing that stupid headset? I'm assuming he's going for the "slick, cool dude" vibe here, so shouldn't he be wearing a Bluetooth or something? That thing looks like something Stacy, your Time-Life operator, would have worn in the early '80s.

And what company WANTS some coke-addicted, fast-talking douchebag as its spokesperson? Does anyone really think this guy is an effective salesman? Didn't we learn long ago not to trust guys like "Vince?" I don't know why I put his name in quotes, because he definitely looks like a Vince. I seriously doubt he's an actor. If he isn't a real estate broker or a used car salesman in real life, I'll eat my hat and buy 20 ShamWows.

If, for some reason, Crazy Brows McGee doesn't turn you off to this commercial, there is still plenty wrong with it.

1. As I mentioned in the title, the name of the product has the word "sham" in it. Sure, so does "shammy," but that's just because people can't spell. It's supposed to be "chamois."

2. Yeah, you can wash it in the washing machine. Still, is it cool to dry your dishes with the same disgusting rag that you use to wash your car and clean up your dog's urine?

3. One of the big selling points of the ShamWow is that it's made in Germany. What does that mean? The Germans made David Hasselhoff a star. What do they know? Furthermore, I don't think blind acceptance of any ideas pushed by the Germans is a very good idea. Read your history books.

4. Vince tells us you can cut the ShamWow in half and use one as a bath mat, drain your dishes with the other one, and use one as a towel. Now, I'm no math whiz, but that doesn't sound quite right.

5. Who spends $20 a month on paper towels? I'm a klutz who spills stuff all the time, and I can make it through at least a month with a $5.00 3-pack.

6. How long do those mini-ShamWows really last?? At 1:25, there is a very obvious over-dub stating that they last 10 years.

7. You get 8 ShamWows for $19.99. It thought this was a multi-purpose, washable miracle product that lasted forever? So, why do you need 8 of them?

If you can see past all that's horrible about this commercial and focus solely on the product, maybe you'll decide that you really need a ShamWow in your life. If you do, make sure you buy directly from Vince. BEWARE OF SHAMWOW IMITATORS! I mistakenly bought something called a ShamWhoa. It cleared out my bank account and skipped town, leaving a trail of cola behind it.

Slap-Happy Vince

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

Just when you thought that Vince (of ShamWow fame) was just to be a supernova, gradually disappearing until forgotten from the infomercial universe ruled by Billy Mays, he's returned to fight for his star status.

While nearly everything is hilariously wrong with the ShamWow infomercial, the new spot for the Slap Chop is just plain hilarious. It seems that Vince has realized what a tool he is, and is now parodying himself all for the glory of the Slap Chop.



Why this infomercial will sell 40 million Slap Chops:

1. Sex sells, and there are plenty of sexual innuendos to go around here. Such as...

:02 - You're gonna be in a great mood all day because you're gonna be slapping your troubles away.
:32 - This thing...this tuna? Looks boring. Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life.
:55 - You're gonna love my nuts.
1:04 - If I can do it with one finger, you guys can do it with your whole hand.

2. Vince will berate you like the fat, non-vegetable eating pig that you are if you don't buy this product!

:15 - Ya love salad, ya hate making it. You KNOW you hate making salads! That's why you don't have any salad in your diet! Hey, ears open, mouth shut!!Do NOT back-sass me! I will slap chop you to Kingdom Come! I'm Vince, dammit!
:22 - I love pizza too, but once in a while, get the veggies in. You Pizza the Hutt-looking bastard. Look at you, you've got pizza sauce all over your shirt, you worthless slob. Jesus, take a walk or something! Go to the gym once in a while! I know Tony Little, lemme hook you up with a Gazelle.
2:05 - Guys, we're gonna make America skinny again...one slap at a time! I can slap all day, Tubby. And I have absolutely nowhere else to be. Just try me.

3. It pops open like a butterfly. Have you ever seen anything so beautiful??

4. All those other chopping machines on the market? Bacteria traps! Worthless! Fuhgettaboutit!!

5. At 1:35, while illustrating the above point, Vince tosses a competitor's product into the sink behind him. I have it on good authority that he made it on the first take. Do you think Billy Mays could've done that? Heck no! Vince is a pro, people!

6. Every time you cut an onion the old-fashioned way, you make Vince cry. You think about that now, you selfish, heartless, knife-wielding lunatics.

7. Did you see that onion skin come off at the 2-minute mark?? That was amazing! What do you mean you didn't see it? There was an arrow pointing right to it, you idiot! How much easier can the Slap Chop people make this for you? Oh, why don't you go eat another slice of your double cheese pizza, pig!

8. Vince has got more rhymes than Nipsy Russell. (2:30)

9. He's giving you a free Graty. Just take it and shut up.

10. YOU KNOW HE CAN'T DO THIS ALL DAY, RIGHT?? Time is of the essence, people. You following me? I think you are.

My only concern about this product is that it's not made in Germany and, therefore, will most likely fall apart after 2-3 uses.

Forgotten Classic Commerical

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

As those of you who read my blog know, I post a "Forgotten Classic Video" every week. When I came across this old commercial on Facebook today, I considered posting it as my forgotten classic, even though it isn't technically a video. (Even if it is more "'80s video" than any '80s video I've ever seen.) Luckily, I have this blog as an outlet too, because I couldn't NOT post this thing of beauty. If you were alive in 1985, there is no reason why you shouldn't remember this. It is the most awesome car commercial ever for one of the least awesome cars ever - the Plymouth Duster.



Seriously, who writes jingles like that anymore? How do you even fit the words "my Plymouth Turismo Duster" into a song and make it sound good?? This is, like, 100 times better than that craptastic new American Idol single.

I used to love this commercial so much. I knew all the words and sang it all the time. And I wanted nothing more than to finally reach driving age so I could buy a Duster of my own and zoom off into some bitchin' world that looked like the "What About Love" set, where everyone knew how to do splits and flips and wore the coolest clothes.

Turns out, by the time I was able to get my own car, they had stopped making Dusters, but I did come close. My first ride was a Plymouth Reliant, known for its super-sexy boxiness. Unfortunately, it never inspired anyone to sing and dance around it. (Ah, the good ol' K-car. I destroyed that poor thing.)

I had completely forgotten that Finola Hughes was in this commercial. You know, Olivia Newton-John was always my idol, but Finola just shot up in my estimation. I mean, she got to do the Duster commercial and dance with a loincloth-clad John Travolta. I would never complain about my life if I had those two totally rad items on my résumé. So, I certainly don't feel bad that she's stuck on that stupid How Do I Look? show now (if that's even still on).

I'm sure that's not Finola singing though (I read an interview where she admits to having a horrible voice), and I've been Googling like mad trying to uncover the voice behind the curtain with no luck. If anyone knows, do tell. You'll be my hero.

The 12 Ads of Christmas #4 - Every Gold Digger Needs a Tagline

By BeckEye from The Pop Eye*


I love Christmas. I do. Generally, I can easily wade through the sea of commercialization and "gimme gimme gimme" attitudes and enjoy the holiday for what it really means. However, there are a few things that really irk me. For now, I'll focus on one: the deluge of Kay Jewelers commercials. You've all seen these ads, and you all know the cutesy little jingle that accompanies each one..."every kiss begins with Kay."



Maybe it's slightly irrational and, yes, there is so much more going on in the world to be pissed off about, but these commercials make me so angry. Excuse me while I get up on my soap, er, ring box for a moment.

Men: Every kiss does not begin with Kay. At least it shouldn't. If you only get kisses from your woman when you give her expensive gifts, you could be married to or dating an actual prostitute. It might be time to rethink your relationship.

Women: Jewelry does not equal love. If your husband/boyfriend is showering you with assloads of jewelry, he's probably either cheating on you or cheating with you. If that's not the case, your man may feel like wasting all his money on sparkly trinkets is the only way to get your attention. If you're putting that kind of price tag on your affections, you could be an actual prostitute. It might be time to rethink your priorities.

Of course, Kay isn't the only offender here in the "love for sale" commercial genre, but their stupid catchphrase bothers me the most. I suppose if they were being honest, the slogan would be, "Every Kiss Begins with Kold Hard Kash." I hear that DeBeers' tagline, "A Diamond is Forever" was actually shortened from "A Diamond is Forever, But Your Relationship is Not," and Jared's was originally "Sure, Sometimes He Beats Me, But...But He Went to Jared!"


*If this post feels at all familiar, then you have loved me for a looooong time, because it's a slightly modified 2006 rerun from my blog.

Our Jeans Unlock the Power of Dirty, Anonymous Sex

By BeckEye from The Pop Eye

There's nothing I hate more than being reminded that I'm getting old and boring. Therefore, I hate this new Levi's Unbuttoned commercial. It makes me want to clutch at my nonexistent shawl while clucking, "My stars!" in disapproval.



Look, people. I'm no prude. I have nothing against the "exciting sex with a handsome/beautiful stranger" storyline, but this ad is not sexy. Unless you're a crack whore. Or unless your sexual fantasies always end with you being murdered, arrested, or contracting some horrible disease. Because, if this were real life, one or all three things would happen to one or both of these people immediately after their jeans hit the floor.

It starts out okay, when they're just bullshitting each other to get into each other's pants. But then when the dude is like, "I've been living in my car?" That's when most women would hit the brakes. But not this chick! Because she likes to break, enter, and bang in other peoples' apartments!

Every time I see this commercial, I always imagine an extended version. Boy and girl have nasty sex and then share a needle. The man of the house returns home and threatens to call the police when he finds these greasy street urchins in his apartment. Girl offers him sexual favors in return for his silence and, when he drops his guard, Boy stabs him in the throat. They go on the run, they go to jail, they die of AIDS.

But the jeans last through it all.

Finally, Someone More Annoying Than Paris Hilton

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

There is this chick who seems to be on my TV constantly these days. She is the most obnoxious person I think I have ever seen in my life. I loathe her, despite the fact that I don't even know her name.

You may have seen her too - this broad in the Secret Flawless deodorant commercial* who is walking down the street with her arms up in the air like she in da club, and generally being a menace to all passersby. She walks past some suit and commands him to give her a high five, then giggles and squeakily boasts, "I didn't even know that guy!" (I'll bet she's said that on a lot of hungover mornings.) Then, she hails a cab like a complete spaz and, after the guy stops, she's like, "No thanks, I'd rather walk." Yeah. Let's see her try that in New York for real. A cabbie wouldn't think twice about running her skinny little ass over.

I don't know why I hate this woman so much. She's either just that annoying, or I'm becoming a rage-a-holic. Whatever the case may be, I know this. If I ever see her on the street, I am going to rip her arms off. Then we'll see how damn good she smells.


*I was going to link the video for anyone who hadn't seen it yet, but I can't seem to find it. Apparently, everyone else hates it too, possibly even Procter & Gamble who haven't even bothered to slap the ad up on YouTube for some fast, free publicity.

The 12 Ads of Christmas #9 - That Special Holiday Lift

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

Since we're getting closer to Big J's big day (and since I'm filled with Veddermas spirit), I thought I would post an example of a GOOD Christmas ad.

It's a regional ad by restaurant chain Eat 'n Park (home of the famous smiley cookies and best potato soup EVAH), so folks from Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and Ohio might be the only ones to have seen it...unless you saw it on my blog a couple of years ago. This is my favorite Christmas commercial, and probably one of my favorite commercials, period. It's very short, sweet, and simple, but gets the point across beautifully. And it always, always, ALWAYS chokes me up.

So here it is, my Christmas gift to you: the warm fuzzies. They may not be as good as the potato soup, but they might last longer.

Misadventures in Photography

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

Maybe I have an especially dirty mind, but I happened upon the T.J. Maxx website today (no, I do not shop at that hell hole) and was immediately disturbed by the picture on the main page. You tell me. Am I just sick, or is this an unfortunate photo choice?

All My Children

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

Sure, we're usually about dissing bad commercials here, but I had to post this Evian water ad. It is the greatest thing I've ever seen.