Hear This

by the Guv'ner from Psycho Secretary

Has anyone seen this disturbing little piece of advertising? It's for a nasty little surveillance device called the "Listen-In" and the commercial irks the living shit out of me every time I see it. Which is every ten minutes lately.



A couple of things:

Isn't it illegal, or at least deeply immoral, to eavesdrop on private conversations using a spy device? Sure, they say you can hear the TV better when it's on quietly, but what they really mean is, "Hey, you can totally hear what that bitch across the street there is saying about you behind your back, then blackmail her later!"

Plus what about that woman at the start? Surely there's some award for someone that irritating? I mean she needs a beating bad. The dude is obviously terrified of her as he makes rubber-faced, apologetic expressions whenever she barks at him. As soon as that guy wants to do anything remotely fun, she's on at him to turn it down so she can hear her obviously riveting phone conversation.

Because that chick is always on the phone. Not once do you hear the husband say, "Jeez woman, fuck off into another room to talk about your gall bladder!" Not once does he say, "Maybe YOU should keep it down, Billy Mays!" Not one time does he punch her in the face and yell, "DIE IN A FIRE, BITCH!" No, he just looks comically terrified and a little disappointed.

And if you're the sort of person who wears one of those devices to take out the garbage on the off chance you can catch the neighbors talking about you, you need serious help, lady. I can't help thinking the ad would be so much more fun if the two chicks were saying, "Have you met the new neighbors, he seems nice and in fact, I shagged him in my kitchen yesterday when he came over to borrow some sugar! Did you see his wife - she's a HORSE!"

Also here's a thought. If you want to hear music while other people are asleep they have this new thing now called "headphones" where you put them over your ears and hear the music REALLY FUCKING LOUDLY and no one else can hear AT ALL. I know, right? It's like magic! All the youngsters are using them nowadays!

My favorite is the part where the smug guy is at the gym listening to two bimbos discussing how hot he is. Here's a thought for YOU, sonny. Maybe if you're spying on people's conversations about you, it would be prudent to NOT HOLD THE DEVICE IN THE AIR IN FRONT OF YOU for the world to see. At the best they're going to know what you're doing and kick you in the nuts (and Lord knows I want to kick you in the nuts) and at the worst they're going to think it's a WALKMAN and think you're hopelessly living in 1984.

And it's a "great way to keep an ear on the children when they're out of range"? I can just imagine the pandemonium when mom hears little Jenny say one of the following:

"Pot is for pussies, got any crack?"
"I don't see any puppies in your van, mister!"
"Five for a hand job, fifteen for a blow job, Principal."

It will end in tears, I'm telling ya.

Slap-Happy Vince

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

Just when you thought that Vince (of ShamWow fame) was just to be a supernova, gradually disappearing until forgotten from the infomercial universe ruled by Billy Mays, he's returned to fight for his star status.

While nearly everything is hilariously wrong with the ShamWow infomercial, the new spot for the Slap Chop is just plain hilarious. It seems that Vince has realized what a tool he is, and is now parodying himself all for the glory of the Slap Chop.



Why this infomercial will sell 40 million Slap Chops:

1. Sex sells, and there are plenty of sexual innuendos to go around here. Such as...

:02 - You're gonna be in a great mood all day because you're gonna be slapping your troubles away.
:32 - This thing...this tuna? Looks boring. Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life.
:55 - You're gonna love my nuts.
1:04 - If I can do it with one finger, you guys can do it with your whole hand.

2. Vince will berate you like the fat, non-vegetable eating pig that you are if you don't buy this product!

:15 - Ya love salad, ya hate making it. You KNOW you hate making salads! That's why you don't have any salad in your diet! Hey, ears open, mouth shut!!Do NOT back-sass me! I will slap chop you to Kingdom Come! I'm Vince, dammit!
:22 - I love pizza too, but once in a while, get the veggies in. You Pizza the Hutt-looking bastard. Look at you, you've got pizza sauce all over your shirt, you worthless slob. Jesus, take a walk or something! Go to the gym once in a while! I know Tony Little, lemme hook you up with a Gazelle.
2:05 - Guys, we're gonna make America skinny again...one slap at a time! I can slap all day, Tubby. And I have absolutely nowhere else to be. Just try me.

3. It pops open like a butterfly. Have you ever seen anything so beautiful??

4. All those other chopping machines on the market? Bacteria traps! Worthless! Fuhgettaboutit!!

5. At 1:35, while illustrating the above point, Vince tosses a competitor's product into the sink behind him. I have it on good authority that he made it on the first take. Do you think Billy Mays could've done that? Heck no! Vince is a pro, people!

6. Every time you cut an onion the old-fashioned way, you make Vince cry. You think about that now, you selfish, heartless, knife-wielding lunatics.

7. Did you see that onion skin come off at the 2-minute mark?? That was amazing! What do you mean you didn't see it? There was an arrow pointing right to it, you idiot! How much easier can the Slap Chop people make this for you? Oh, why don't you go eat another slice of your double cheese pizza, pig!

8. Vince has got more rhymes than Nipsy Russell. (2:30)

9. He's giving you a free Graty. Just take it and shut up.

10. YOU KNOW HE CAN'T DO THIS ALL DAY, RIGHT?? Time is of the essence, people. You following me? I think you are.

My only concern about this product is that it's not made in Germany and, therefore, will most likely fall apart after 2-3 uses.

Should you stay or should you go?

by Katrocket from Rocketradio

Okay, apologies all around for the surprise extended vacation from posting over the past three weeks, but what can I say? I got sick of holiday commercials before I could list a dozen of them. I was hoping you'd be too loaded with holiday cheer to notice.

So on the subject of being sick, there's a bit of controversy this week over a TV ad for Benylin cough syrup - an ad that's been running for over 2 years now, mind you.

Here's a two minute report on the matter from BBC.

It seems that employers and managers are rather upset with the message being delivered in the TV spot and on the Benylin website: if you're a rotten snotty mess, perhaps you should call in sick and try to recover instead of going to your workplace and making everyone else sick/annoyed/utterly disgusted with you.



JWT, the ad agency who created the Take A Benylin Day campaign, insists "We've been advised by health care experts that by taking one or two days off work, staying in bed, you can break that cycle and you can get to work healthy and productive."

Their website offers advice on what to tell your boss when calling in sick, offers video games and puzzles for the bored and lethargic, and reviews the best DVDs to watch while at home. But the UK-based Federation of Small Businesses claims the adverts and website are "outrageous", and have filed a complaint with the UK Advertising Standards Authority.

Absenteeism is a common struggle for all businesses, but personally speaking, I'd prefer that an ill co-worker stay home, rather than hacking up a lung in my face and exposing me to their icky germs. And I'm not a germaphobe, I'm just easily irritable. Sure, there's always some douchebag in the office who will use the slightest sniffle or hangover to excuse themselves from work, but I think if you're just going to be a miserable, whiny mess all day long, you might as well stay far, far away from me.

So what's your stance on this debate? Would you stay or would you go?

The 12 Ads of Christmas # 5 - Holiday Spirit Overload

by The Guv'ner from Psycho Secretary

On the fifth day of Christmas, FTA gives to you: Holiday Spirit Overload

You know what commercials would currently be chafing my balls, if I had balls? Those moronic Best Buy stupid-assed Christmas gift ads.

There are a whole series of them and each one is more annoying than the previous one. In fact, every "customer" (or as I like to call them "butt steaming ass bandits") who does their little over-excited, not at all cute piece for the Best Buy salesman, deserves my size 8, steel-toe capped boot planted right in their squishy bits with demonic fervor, for making me incensed with The Hate.

I mean watch these commercials and tell me you don't want those people skewered with a goddamn sling blade (some people call it a Kaiser blade, I call it a sling blade, mmm hmmm).





And people wonder why I grind my teeth.

I Hate Applebees

by SO24 from Starting Over at 24

I can understand quirky and unique advertisements, because it makes sense to get their brand stuck in our head, but I fail to comprehend the logic behind getting on our nerves. It's not just a tad irritating, or overly goofy, it is just simply wrong. There is absolutely nothing creative or witty about two morons singing a shrimp-ized version of the Gilligan theme song. And who is giving this idea the thumbs up? Take a moment of your time to imagine the brainstorming session that produced this fucking wild idea.



"So...uhh...gotta come up with something good to play during the NCAA Tourney."
"Well, I was thinking two assholes playing guitars and singing the Gilligan theme song rewritten with lyrics about our shrimp skewers would be a huge hit. We could play it during every break and I really think it'll win 'em over."
"Good fucking call, Johnson"
"I'm also boning your wife."
"You're fired."

If I see this ad one more time I swear to god I will go their restaurant, order one shrimp skewer so that I can quickly eat the shrimp and then plunge the stick directly into the eye of the closest employee. On my escape I would also take care to knock off as much cliché memorabilia as possible.

So, if you are an Applebee's ad executive and happen to be reading this, I suggest you rethink your approach to drumming up business. Making people angry does not lead to success for your restaurant. Your food already sucks as it is, so it probably doesn't help much when you cram shit like this down our throats. Either show a follow-up to this piece that depicts these two schmucks getting ripped apart by tropical shark beasts, or put an end to the misery that any of us with decent taste are undoubtedly experiencing when we are subject to your bad ideas.

Ad-Sense, Non-Sense

by Ask Alice from Alice in Average Land

I don't get the Verizon commercials. "Can you hear me now"? Basically they're saying that the reception is so crappy that this poor guy has to stand on top of fences in the Artic to get a signal. They really should have him saying: "Can you still hear me?" Then at least we know that he could hear them in the first place. Although if I had someone asking me every five minutes if I could still hear them I'd just say no and hang up.

Speaking of advertisements, there are a few slogans that really make no sense to me. If we took them literally we'd all be a bunch of lunatics. AT&T's - "Reach out and touch somebody"? Sorry but that's creepy. Especially when you consider the Yellow Pages ads that say "Let your fingers do the talking". Put the two of those together and we have a serial rapist on our hands.

Then there's: Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there - well it's rather unfortunate that my neighbor is a fat creepy dude who wears sweatpant shorts and no shirt while smoking (who knows what) in his garage year round. If my house burnt down in the middle of the night I'm not so sure I'd want him there while I run screaming out of my house in my little booty shorts and tank top.

Just saying.

How do they come up with this stuff anyway? There must be men in suits sitting around a table discussing their options:

Exec #1: "How can we possibly improve on what we have? I love: "It's what I eat and what I do" it really speaks to the people.
Exec #2: "Yes but how can you DO a burger? Wait, wait, I think I got it - by eating it. Yes I do see the logic there Stanley"
CEO: "Okay, how about: McDonalds, it's what I eat and what I do ALWAYS"
Exec #1: "Isn't that sort of like Coca-Cola's slogan?"
CEO: "Dammit"
Exec #2: "We have to appeal to the kids here fellas. We need some slang in there"
Exec #1: "McDonalds: it's what I eat and what I do - in the hizzle!"
CEO: "I'm loving that"
Exec #2: "I'm loving it!"*a look of inspiration crosses over their faces and thus a slogan is born*

Sometimes I think maybe they don't really put that much thought into these slogans either.

Toshiba's "Choose Freedom" slogan - what exactly does that mean? If we choose a Sony are we relegated to the first twelve channels forever? Where does this freedom come into play with a Toshiba that it doesn't with a Samsung? Oh and there's another gooder: "Digitally Yours". Now they're playing with our emotions and getting all Hallmark on our asses. You can certainly tell what market they're aiming for.

Good thing I don't believe everything I hear...

I'm richer then I think, am I, Scotiabank? Well I think I'll just go on a little shopping spree here and take care of that problem. Oh nevermind, I lost my American Express and I just don't feel right leaving home without it.

Finally, Someone More Annoying Than Paris Hilton

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

There is this chick who seems to be on my TV constantly these days. She is the most obnoxious person I think I have ever seen in my life. I loathe her, despite the fact that I don't even know her name.

You may have seen her too - this broad in the Secret Flawless deodorant commercial* who is walking down the street with her arms up in the air like she in da club, and generally being a menace to all passersby. She walks past some suit and commands him to give her a high five, then giggles and squeakily boasts, "I didn't even know that guy!" (I'll bet she's said that on a lot of hungover mornings.) Then, she hails a cab like a complete spaz and, after the guy stops, she's like, "No thanks, I'd rather walk." Yeah. Let's see her try that in New York for real. A cabbie wouldn't think twice about running her skinny little ass over.

I don't know why I hate this woman so much. She's either just that annoying, or I'm becoming a rage-a-holic. Whatever the case may be, I know this. If I ever see her on the street, I am going to rip her arms off. Then we'll see how damn good she smells.


*I was going to link the video for anyone who hadn't seen it yet, but I can't seem to find it. Apparently, everyone else hates it too, possibly even Procter & Gamble who haven't even bothered to slap the ad up on YouTube for some fast, free publicity.