Friday, November 14, 2008

Our Jeans Unlock the Power of Dirty, Anonymous Sex


By BeckEye from
The Pop Eye

There's nothing I hate more than being reminded that I'm getting old and boring. Therefore, I hate this new Levi's Unbuttoned commercial. It makes me want to clutch at my nonexistent shawl while clucking, "My stars!" in disapproval.



Look, people. I'm no prude. I have nothing against the "exciting sex with a handsome/beautiful stranger" storyline, but this ad is not sexy. Unless you're a crack whore. Or unless your sexual fantasies always end with you being murdered, arrested, or contracting some horrible disease. Because, if this were real life, one or all three things would happen to one or both of these people immediately after their jeans hit the floor.

It starts out okay, when they're just bullshitting each other to get into each other's pants. But then when the dude is like, "I've been living in my car?" That's when most women would hit the brakes. But not this chick! Because she likes to break, enter, and bang in other peoples' apartments!

Every time I see this commercial, I always imagine an extended version. Boy and girl have nasty sex and then share a needle. The man of the house returns home and threatens to call the police when he finds these greasy street urchins in his apartment. Girl offers him sexual favors in return for his silence and, when he drops his guard, Boy stabs him in the throat. They go on the run, they go to jail, they die of AIDS.

But the jeans last through it all.

17 comments:

The Guv'ner said...

Yeah man, what happened to the old days of a hot dude taking off his Levi's in the laundromat and washing them while sitting around in his scants while the ladies eye him up? Those were at least classy and sexy. Now it's just down and dirty.

Wait, maybe that was just a British Levi commercial. Check it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2gUKe9fblY

SouthernBelle said...

LOL, I was thinking along these lines the other night when I saw this ad

"This isn't my apartment." rapidly devolves into:
"That's OK, I already have syphillis"
"I was lying when I said I wasn't a gang member."
and so on.

Red said...

Good Lord. That just ridiculous!

Poobomber said...

My fantasy version of this commercial involves her becoming more mentally unstable sounding and progressing into delusion, coupled with a transsexual plot twist.

Him: "I'm from Detroit, not L.A."

Her: "I'm 15 people."

Him: "I'm not really in a band."

Her: "Jonah says I should eat your liver."

Him: "Who's Jonah?"

Her: "I am. Part of me is. 1/15th of me is. This isn't my house."

Him: "I live in my car."

Her: "I respectfully follow all of Napoleon's commands to the letter."

Him: "Uh, I wasn't in the army."

Her: "Would you like to see my cock?"

Him: "What?"

Her: "I'm really hard."

Him: "What?"

Her: "No, this is the part where you admit something..."

Him: "I'm freaked out."

Her: "I'm nervous myself. Your deceased aunt says hello from beyond the grave right now, she's watching."

Him: "I, uh, watch soap operas."

[end commercial]

That would be awesome.

pistols at dawn said...

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe love should always involve near-instant copulation in a random black family's apartment with someone you don't know anything about. It's how Mom and Dad met, after all.

Andy said...

What the hell are they doing IN MY HOUSE!?!!?
Oh, oh, wait... wait... That's not my house... but oh no that's MY GIRLFRIEND... oh, wait, no, no, it's not...
Phew. Close one.

pistols at dawn said...

Also, after much review, my favorite blog line this entire week: "It makes me want to clutch at my nonexistent shawl while clucking, 'My stars!' in disapproval." Well done.

Fancy Schmancy said...

"I lied when I said I wasn't going to kill you and everyone else in this apartment and then rob everyone blind.

And speaking of blind, then I'm going to sell your corneas, and maybe your kidneys, on eBay while I eat your livers. With fava beans."

ewwwww...

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Urgh. It's a bit like the video to the Prodigy's 'Smack my Bitch up' but with a more predictable ending and more tits.

Gifted Typist said...

oh, I see. What they're trying to say is gritty, cam recording is that sex sells. Sex sells jeans.
oh!
How clever of them

cube said...

Thanks. I hadn't seen this commercial until now.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Wow, that's how they are selling Levis these days? Remind me to buy a different brand. I love romance and sex but this was just skanky.

Kelsey said...

I wish I had a shawl to give you, so I could see you clutching it. :) Anyway, I think that commercial is creepy too...it doesn't make me excited OR want to buy Levi's...and I'm pretty sure the girl is just going to take his organs when she's done with him.

Gnugs said...

I've got to say, I might be interested in buying the jeans if they had your version up on TV.

VisH said...

Look, dear. I'm no prude. I have nothing against the "exciting sex with a handsome/beautiful stranger" storyline, but this ad is not sexy. but i cant made easyly sexy ad with anyone Unless you're a crack whore. Or unless your sexual fantasies always end with you being murdered, arrested, or contracting some horrible disease. Because, if this were real life, one or all three things would happen to one or both of these people immediately after their jeans hit the floor....and they go for animal sex and i love wild kind of sex.....u know wht i mean....ohhh come on do it with me....dont shy.....


a kisss MUUUUUUhaaaahh !! this only for u??

Micgar said...

I agree with you on this commercial-and I'm a guy so go figure! Its f'd up as hell!

dguzman said...

Your anger is palpable, BeckEye. Bravo.