Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Shammy Showdown: Vince vs. Billy Mays

by Katrocket from Rocketradio

Last month, BeckEye warned us to never buy a product with "Sham" right in the name, and asked the question on everyone's minds: "what company wants some coke-addicted, fast-talking douchebag as its spokesperson?"

I'll tell you who: ShamWow's main rival, Zorbeez!

But the clever folks at Zorbeez didn't hire just any slick-talkin', headset-wearin', carpet-stainin' creep. They hired the biggest, loudest, most annoying voice in the informercial universe: the Legendary Billy Mays.

After a head-to-head examination of these two in action, I've determined that they're likely hawking the exact same product, albiet one is made in Germany, and you know Germans make good stuff. But when two powerhouse pitchmen are selling the same item with an almost identical script, it all comes down to the craftsmanship of their delivery:

So let's compare, shall we?
VINCE (ShamWow)BILLY (Zorbeez)
AppearanceMoe Syzlak70s porn snatch with teeth
DeliverySmarmy; aloof; he can't do this all day.Loud; really loud
Personal touchtowelling off like a real Olympic swimmersponge smelling
Target DemographicYounger (late nite stoners, flea market enthusiasts)Older (OCD housewives, chronic cola spillers)
Gimmick factor"Made in Germany!""amazing X27 fiber technology!"
Pricing8 for $19.99 - 10 yr warranty10 for $14.99 - free replacments for life
Bonus offermore Shamwows!free Zorbeez for life! plus some kinda fringed shammy on a stick that cleans under your doors or pleasures your wife after everything else you've tried has failed.
He thinks you use too many paper towels$20 a month is "Throwin' yer money away."2 rolls a week! "That's cash in the trash!"
Final VerdictSuperior German technology and years of carny training help Vince hold his own against the Legend.No one fucks with Billy Mays, punk.


Poobomber said...

Billy Mays - hands down. If you're high enough he looks like Chewbacca, and that's the win right there.

BeckEye said...

I've always had a sneaking suspicion that Billy Mays is from Pittsburgh because I can always catch a bit of the really horrible dahn-tahn accent when he's shouting at me through my TV. Well, this post prompted me to look him up on Wikipedia...and my suspicions have been confirmed! (I can ALWAYS spot a Pittsburgher.) He is from McKees Rocks, which does NOT rock. Don't let the name fool ya. There is an area of that neighborhood known as "The Bottoms," which pretty much says it all.

SouthernBelle said...


I think Billy Mays wins through sheer volume. Also, we all know who he is without mentioning his name - just say "the annoying loud guy" - because he's on EVERY DAMN COMMERCIAL.

SkylersDad said...

If Billy Mays sold the product made in Germany, it would complete my life.

pistols at dawn said...

I always vote for the candidate or product that uses a rhyme, so "cash in the trash" wins it for me.

Jon said...

The real question is: How have I managed to live my entire life without these amazing products?? Seriously. I'm going to go spill something right now.

Some Guy said...

I've always loved the way Billy Mays say "Pahr-ful!" (powerful)

The Guv'ner said...

Holy crap, I was considering writing something about Billy Mays for you as well. I want to punch that fucker. Why does he yell all the time? He's like a human headache? And when I was last in the UK he was THERE TOO doing the same sort of commercials only...get this..WITH AN ENGLISH ACCENT! I guess someone dubbed him.

They still yelled like whoa though.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

I wish I could watch these here in work. Damn Firewall.

I'd like someone to do a comparative table with these guys and Barry Scott, the fictional character in the UK Cillit Bang (US: Easy-Off Bam) ads. He's my favourite.

Chris said...

Moe Syzlak... That pretty much nails it. Anyone ever figger out why Vinny Shamwow wears a headset?

Why do they introduce themselves like they're famous? "Hi, Billy Mays here..." How many other commercials are there where the actors introduce themselves? "Hello, this is Tanessa Biggityboob. I'll be playing the part of the spunky waitress in tonight's commercial..."

Anonymous said...

Billy IS famous believe it or not. even if you don't happen to like him he is very famous, have you seen Pitchmen the show on Discovery?
It was popular and Billy coulnd't go anywhere without people asking for his Autograph.
And after his death he will now be a celebrety forever. And come on who are you going to like more? a nice guy who just happens to be loud or a arrogent jackass that slaps women? (AKA Vinny)

Anonymous said...

It still won't get me to buy either.

Nice or not, a shill is a shill.

Schylure said...

Vince doesnt slap a woman, he slaps prostitutes. And the reason he slapped her was because she was making out with him when all of a sudden she bit his tounge and wouldnt let go. Now seriously - wouldn't you slap someone who was biting your tounge off? I sure would.