Monday, December 8, 2008

The 12 Ads of Christmas #4 - Every Gold Digger Needs a Tagline

By BeckEye from The Pop Eye*

I love Christmas. I do. Generally, I can easily wade through the sea of commercialization and "gimme gimme gimme" attitudes and enjoy the holiday for what it really means. However, there are a few things that really irk me. For now, I'll focus on one: the deluge of Kay Jewelers commercials. You've all seen these ads, and you all know the cutesy little jingle that accompanies each one..."every kiss begins with Kay."

Maybe it's slightly irrational and, yes, there is so much more going on in the world to be pissed off about, but these commercials make me so angry. Excuse me while I get up on my soap, er, ring box for a moment.

Men: Every kiss does not begin with Kay. At least it shouldn't. If you only get kisses from your woman when you give her expensive gifts, you could be married to or dating an actual prostitute. It might be time to rethink your relationship.

Women: Jewelry does not equal love. If your husband/boyfriend is showering you with assloads of jewelry, he's probably either cheating on you or cheating with you. If that's not the case, your man may feel like wasting all his money on sparkly trinkets is the only way to get your attention. If you're putting that kind of price tag on your affections, you could be an actual prostitute. It might be time to rethink your priorities.

Of course, Kay isn't the only offender here in the "love for sale" commercial genre, but their stupid catchphrase bothers me the most. I suppose if they were being honest, the slogan would be, "Every Kiss Begins with Kold Hard Kash." I hear that DeBeers' tagline, "A Diamond is Forever" was actually shortened from "A Diamond is Forever, But Your Relationship is Not," and Jared's was originally "Sure, Sometimes He Beats Me, But...But He Went to Jared!"

*If this post feels at all familiar, then you have loved me for a looooong time, because it's a slightly modified 2006 rerun from my blog.


Anonymous said...

Goddamn yes. I hate those commercials (thanks for getting the Kay's jingle stuck in my head now though!). Who wants to spend two months wages on a big diamond? A FUCKTARD that's who. Those commercials are the lowest of the low, guilt tripping guys into forking out for shiny things or else they won't be loved. Ridiculous.

Poobomber said...

I can't think of a more useless gift than jewelry, other than a necktie.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I feel the same way. The other day, after watching yet another one of these commercials where they try to foist off yet another ugly ass piece of jewelry, my wife and I came up with some really inappropriate alternatives for the "Every kiss begins with K".

Every kick begins with K.
Every knife begins with K.
Every anal violation begins with "'K".

You get the idea...

SouthernBelle said...

Ah, so true.

Because every committed relationship should involve a one-way flow of expenditure on useless items.

Of course I can say that because I already have the diamonds.

But still.

katrocket said...

I am loving that gold digger graphic! "like a hooker - just smarter" ha!

also, ALL diamond commercials make me ill. The "love equals bling" attitude must be stopped!

pistols at dawn said...

You know what else begins with K? K-Y. You'll only be needing the travel size, baby, because that's my junk's nickname.

I am also against love being on the barter system, but mostly because I'm poor as hell.

red said...

Does it mean I'm materialistic because I get annoyed with these commercials not because they encourage jewelry gifting, but because Kay sells such shitty jewelry? Basically, if your dude buys you something from Kay (or Zales, for that matter) it's like taking you to Chili's rather than the fancy, family run Italian place in your neighborhood. God, I'm a snob.

pistols at dawn said...

Red, there goes my plan to take you to Chili's to propose with a Kay diamond right after you get the Awesome Blossom, extra Awesome. Well, my New Year's is ruined. Anyone got any better plans?