Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Ford F-150: Taking a Man Step to Gay Town

by Pistols at Dawn of save your generation

As discussed yesterday (I could link to it, or you could scroll down, hero), Howie Long and Chevy are here to chew gum and kick ass, and they're all out of chewing gum.

In the second Howie Long Chevy ad that shows that these particular ad execs still have a fourth grade view of male sexuality and gender roles, the masculine Mr. Long is at the lumber yard, loading a palette jack's worth of Large, Heavy Bags Of Concrete into his Silverado.

Next to him, a Prancing Sissy in a Ford F-150 (the "F" stands for "Loves to Fellate Dudes") is using his truck's "Man Step" to get out of the bed of his truck, in which he has tied down a comically oversized wooden birdfeeder. Sure, no person I know would ever think of the lumberyard as a perfect place to buy a birdfeeder, but that's because everyone I know hates birds and hopes they all starve to death. Especially ospreys.

While attempting to get down out of his truck, F-150 Man (who initially misses the step, since all men who aren't Howie Long are incapable of even walking without incident) moves in a manner that indicates he either has a hernia or has just had a week's worth of nonstop vigorous gay sex with a team of incredibly endowed male elephants. A few steps into his "lady penguin on her period" walk, Howie roguishly informs him that he's left his "uh, man step" down. The man then fixes this problem while facially throwing a bitch fit worthy of Bette Davis' or Joan Crawford's finest work.

All in all, the Chevy Silverado ad strategy is clear: trucks that have features that the Silverado doesn't are for clumsy homosexuals. Hence, if you buy those trucks, you are a clumsy homosexual. Lastly, the Chevrolet company hates homosexuals, and finds their lifestyle and mannerisms something worth spending millions of dollars mocking in a national ad campaign.

I can't imagine why American car companies are in trouble.


SkylersDad said...

Thank you for these two posts Pistols, I now know that if I ever find myself in a situation where I need to purchase a pickup truck, all I have to do is remember one thing.


What Would Howie Do?

Rassles said...

Ladies and Gentlemen, Howie Long, real man, man's man, man about town, and the man who bought a farm with BFF Teri Hatcher to save endangered California species like the "fairy shrimp" and the "pocket mouse" and the "shortnose sucker."

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

I had no idea who this Howie guy was, so I looked him up on Wikipedia. It seems he once won a prize for being the 'Walter Camp Man of the Year'.

How can the campest man of the year (as endorsed by someone called Walter) be espousing manly trucks for manly men who aren't gay?

Anonymous said...

I always knew there was a subliminal reason I loved the F-150.

Lame? Ok my bad.

That was hilarious, Pistols.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Bitch slapped by Howie on national TV-What WILL they think of next???

I'm with SkylersDad-WWHD??

katrocket said...

That ad is just ridiculous. What's wrong with a man-step? I think it looks rather helpful.

But perhaps "leaving your man-step down" is secret code for "SM leather daddy bottom"? I'm sure Howie knows.

red said...

"Lady penguin on her period." Nice.

TishTash said...

If women by Chevy trucks, does that mean they grow a pair? What is Chevy's position on this? Can you please confirm?

Red said...

I've seen the heated steering wheel commercial a lot. I don't necessarily think the non-Chevy drivers are being depicted as gay.

I had fun this weekend watching the commercials in the AFC Championships. The obvious "this is for guys" slant of the commercials (and maybe dumb guys at that) was funny.

Mathdude said...

I want to see Denis Leary and Howie Long duke it out to see who is the manliest hawker for pick-up trucks.

Captain Smack said...

I love it that he called it a "man" step, which should make it sound more masculine, but somehow has the opposite effect, like it's a man bra.

pistols at dawn said...

SD, that also works if you ever find yourself playing professional football and want to figure out how to stuff the run.

Rassles, in fairness, he saved all those animals so he could eat them, like a true man.

Herr Imaginary Reviewer, that's an excellent point. We should check his phone to see if he's friends with any Dorothys, too.

Kimizzy, thank ye.

CDD, I can only imagine that this other dude will have a long, fruitful career of playing effeminate schlubs, because that's a character type that's always in demand.

kat, it does sound like code of some sort - probably for "I'm a power bottom, so bring tools, big daddy."

red, I really am the Robert Frost of describing truck commercials.

TishTash, Chevy says that trucks aren't women's business, no how, and then did a keg stand.

Red, I was floored by the literally hours of truck commercials. How about saving the $18 million on advertising for this weekend, and making a decent truck, fellas?

Mathdude, that would be quite a fight, and a truck commercial I'd actually want to see.

Captain Smack, it is an impressive technique. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go to my man quilting class.

Chris said...

Howie doesn't like Man Steps? I wonder what he thinks of the Ram Boxes?

Personally, I think the step makes perfect sense. After about the 30th time you've jumped in and out of the truck bed trying to get feed to the cattle, you're ready for a step.

Don't know why you'd need one, though, for an osprey feeder, or if, like Howie, you're rich enough that the physical labor required of you is belittling others on TV commercials...

pistols at dawn said...

Chris, if I went down to the lumberyard and started mocking trucks, I bet my life would end within ten minutes.

Only one way to find out...

Just Dave said...

I think the main thing Howie like about the NFL was being able to shower with manly men.

chop and go said...

GM wants a bailout and they are wasting money on stupid, idiotic commercials? Well, it backfired and pissed a lot people off. I love my F-150 and have bad knees. I have a step stool I carry with me. I guess I'm not a MANLY MAN! Screw you Howie.