Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Finally, Someone Speaks Out Against the Pickup Truck Industry's Secret Homosexual Agenda

by Pistols at Dawn of save your generation

Usually, when I'm watching my court-ordered 18 hours of football per week, I don't see a single commercial thanks to the majesty of my DVR. However, this weekend, I made the mistake of leaving my house to watch the games, and thus, subjected myself to hours of crappy ads, possibly three of which weren't truck-related.

And thank God for that, because after viewing about 3,000 Howie Long-centered ads for the Chevy Silverado, I learned an important lesson: buying any pickup truck that isn't a Silverado means you're gayer than Perez Hilton singing along to an Elton John/Indigo Girls duet in P-town at an Advocate benefit concert for animal shelters named after Barbara Streisand movies.

First of all, there's the "Manicure" ad.

In this spot, a fancy City Gay accidentally backs his Dodge Ram into Howie Long's Silverado while attempting to parallel park it. Note that even in the act of parallel parking, the Silverado is the dominant Top, while the Ram is a submissive bottom.

Ram Man's gender treason doesn't end there. While Howie magnanimously accepts his apology with a suave, "it happens," Howie's gaze is drawn to the man's hands resting on what Howie instantly identifies as "a heated steering wheel." It's unclear how Howie does this, as there is nothing about the steering wheel to identify it as such (like, for example, a rainbow color scheme, pictures of Judy Garland, or a built-in mp3 player with Kylie Minogue dance tracks on it), but such are the wonders of Howie Long.

Ram Man instantly denies this accusation, clearly in the closet about the Second Most Important Issue To All Gay Men: whether or not their pickup truck's steering wheel is heated. Then, like a classic self-loathing queer, he reverses himself and admits it, exposing his shame to a complete stranger as if it were his penis in the glory hole of a men's room in a West Hollywood nightclub.

Howie, reveling in this inquisition, continues. "Is that a manicure?" he asks, oddly fixated on the man's hands and steering wheel for someone embracing all that is Good And Straight About Truck Ownership. Ram Man can only laugh awkwardly. Howie smirks demeaningly at him, pats him harshly on the chest, and walks away, presumably to have sex with numerous women while drinking a brew dog and watching an MMA fight with a John Wayne movie in the picture-in-picture box.

As Howie gets in his truck to drive off into that Totally Straight Future, somehow, the Ram has vanished instantly, clearly indicating that Chevrolet wants all homosexuals (and their pickup trucks) to disappear entirely from the face of the Earth.

However, a vestige remains: the likely reason for Ram Man parking on that block is revealed in the upper right corner of the frame – a marquee for the ever-popular "Theater" indicating a "Film Fest, Mon – Fri."

It goes without saying that there is nothing – short of having gay sex while driving a Dodge Ram – gayer than a film festival. Worse still, the film festival is held during the work week, because everyone knows Gay Pickup Driving Men don't have jobs and live like welfare queens off the tax dollars of straight people.

The only question that the ad doesn't answer is why Howie's parked on this block, sitting in his truck while men in gay pickup trucks attempt to parallel park so that he can take careful notice of their hands. I'm assuming it's because there's a Huge Hardware Store For Salt Of The Earth Types just across the street.

That, or he's cruising for twinks.

Tomorrow, Part Two of This Series: The Man Step.


red said...

Football commercials blow, unlike Howie, I guess. I love that they are ALL totally for men because women never watch football, ever, apparently.

Rassles said...

I have this theory that no men actually get manicures, and it's something that the media tells women so they'll think it's okay, since men do it too. That whole stigma that "girly" is bad, and "guyish" is good. Because let's face it: most women can't think for themselves and have no perception of cool.

At least, that's what all my guy friends say, and they're always right.

BeckEye said...

I was going to write about these commercials too, but you beat me to it. But I beat Chris to the new Vince infomercial, so I guess that's what I get. FTA karma.

These commercials are mind-numbingly stupid, but they feature Howie Long. And nothing that features Howie Long can be all that bad. (Although I will admit that I can't bring myself to watch that movie where he's a fire jumper or some shit.) That guy could ram me any day.

Chris said...

Don't even get me started on the Bob Seger "Like A Rock" series!

pistols at dawn said...

red, I thought you all were allergic to football.

Rassles, I'd agree that women can't think for themselves, since occasionally they say they're not interested in going out with me, which is clearly the result of media bias.

BeckEye, if he does, make sure he doesn't wrap up Howie Jr., since his legitimate kid went in the first round of the draft. Cashing in off sluttiness is the new black.

Chris, those are timely.

Captain Smack said...

I'm sure Mr Long has a perfectly plausible explanation for being in the vicinity of such gayness. Perhaps he was at the film festival to help those poor queer souls, by pointing out the error of their ways. Kind of like Jesus hanging out with sinners, that sort of thing.

Jocelyn said...

This kind of analysis takes me back to my glory days in college--writing papers about stuff I totally didn't get...but wrapping it in enough b.s. that it sounded informed.

For example, there was my women's studies paper on female circumcision, entitled "The Problem's Before Us: She Has No Clitoris."

katrocket said...

If only Howie could understand that soft hands are the key to a memorable night of passionate truckin'.

Chris said...

Sadly, I like Howie when he's talking about football. Equally sadly, I hate him when he's talking about anything else.

What always makes me leap to my feet and wave my fist feebly at the television is when they try to convince us that 20 miles per gallon is good. News, folks, it ain't. Make me a truck that gets 40 mpg like my car does -- THEN I'll quit shaking my fist feebly at the TV.

pistols at dawn said...

Cap'n Smack, that's definitely possible. After all, Howie's trying to show them the light, while they're sitting in a dark theater - it works even on a metaphorical level.

Jocelyn, based on the yawns of many of my partners, I'd say most women don't have clitorises. That's what they tell me anyway, after making a joke about me needing a team of stout yeomen and a team of mules to find it.

kat, or that ladies appreciate a man with heated-steering-wheel-warmed hands.

Chris, agreed - those Ram commercials bragging about 20mph might as well be bragging about having a radio that gets both AM and FM stations.

Red said...

Okay, I had to look up who Howie Long was, 'cause caring anything about football is new to me and even now I only really care about the Steelers. But now that I've gone to wiki, I'm incredibly impressed that someone who played football for Villanova (my dad's alma mater and a noted basketball school) was a 2nd round NFL draft pick.

dguzman said...

Not having TV, I've missed this gem of homophobia, but I'm glad you're here to show it for what it is. Thanks, Pistols.

I hope Chevy goes down flaming (heh heh) in a blaze of queerness.