by Pistols at Dawn of save your generation
Usually, when I'm watching my court-ordered 18 hours of football per week, I don't see a single commercial thanks to the majesty of my DVR. However, this weekend, I made the mistake of leaving my house to watch the games, and thus, subjected myself to hours of crappy ads, possibly three of which weren't truck-related.
And thank God for that, because after viewing about 3,000 Howie Long-centered ads for the Chevy Silverado, I learned an important lesson: buying any pickup truck that isn't a Silverado means you're gayer than Perez Hilton singing along to an Elton John/Indigo Girls duet in P-town at an Advocate benefit concert for animal shelters named after Barbara Streisand movies.
First of all, there's the "Manicure" ad.
In this spot, a fancy City Gay accidentally backs his Dodge Ram into Howie Long's Silverado while attempting to parallel park it. Note that even in the act of parallel parking, the Silverado is the dominant Top, while the Ram is a submissive bottom.
Ram Man's gender treason doesn't end there. While Howie magnanimously accepts his apology with a suave, "it happens," Howie's gaze is drawn to the man's hands resting on what Howie instantly identifies as "a heated steering wheel." It's unclear how Howie does this, as there is nothing about the steering wheel to identify it as such (like, for example, a rainbow color scheme, pictures of Judy Garland, or a built-in mp3 player with Kylie Minogue dance tracks on it), but such are the wonders of Howie Long.
Ram Man instantly denies this accusation, clearly in the closet about the Second Most Important Issue To All Gay Men: whether or not their pickup truck's steering wheel is heated. Then, like a classic self-loathing queer, he reverses himself and admits it, exposing his shame to a complete stranger as if it were his penis in the glory hole of a men's room in a West Hollywood nightclub.
Howie, reveling in this inquisition, continues. "Is that a manicure?" he asks, oddly fixated on the man's hands and steering wheel for someone embracing all that is Good And Straight About Truck Ownership. Ram Man can only laugh awkwardly. Howie smirks demeaningly at him, pats him harshly on the chest, and walks away, presumably to have sex with numerous women while drinking a brew dog and watching an MMA fight with a John Wayne movie in the picture-in-picture box.
As Howie gets in his truck to drive off into that Totally Straight Future, somehow, the Ram has vanished instantly, clearly indicating that Chevrolet wants all homosexuals (and their pickup trucks) to disappear entirely from the face of the Earth.
However, a vestige remains: the likely reason for Ram Man parking on that block is revealed in the upper right corner of the frame – a marquee for the ever-popular "Theater" indicating a "Film Fest, Mon – Fri."
It goes without saying that there is nothing – short of having gay sex while driving a Dodge Ram – gayer than a film festival. Worse still, the film festival is held during the work week, because everyone knows Gay Pickup Driving Men don't have jobs and live like welfare queens off the tax dollars of straight people.
The only question that the ad doesn't answer is why Howie's parked on this block, sitting in his truck while men in gay pickup trucks attempt to parallel park so that he can take careful notice of their hands. I'm assuming it's because there's a Huge Hardware Store For Salt Of The Earth Types just across the street.
That, or he's cruising for twinks.
Tomorrow, Part Two of This Series: The Man Step.