by BeckEye from The Pop Eye
Here is an infomercial for Drop Stop - a product that is absolutely of no use to me now that I rely solely on public transportation. (I'm still waiting not-so-patiently for someone to invent a heavy-duty, special subway car deodorizer. Smell Quell or Stench Bench, something like that.) But many of you do drive around in fancy horseless carriages, so this could be of use to you. Especially if you have a bad case of the buttahfingas.
The first thing I must say about this product is that it can't help the guy who drops his keys and cell phone. That guy has bigger problems. Maybe he has arthritis. Maybe his palms sweat profusely. Maybe he was born with two left hands. Or maybe he's just a simpleton. I'm leaning towards the last one. Seriously, who picks up their keys, holds them at eye level, then switches them to the hand opposite of where the ignition is before starting up the car?? And he picked up that cell phone like he just painted his nails and was afraid to touch anything.
Secondly, sure it's a nice idea and probably pretty convenient, but a Drop Stop is $20?? Seriously? No little piece of rubber is worth $20, unless it can keep you safe from STDs too. And since that's not mentioned as one of the product features, I'm guessing that it can't. I can think of at least 500 more useful things that I could buy with $20. Drivers, save your money. Just take one of the small ShamWows, roll it up and stick it in the crack next to your car seat. Problem solved.
Speaking of the ShamWow, the biggest problem I have with the Drop Stop commercial is with its spokesmen. Apparently, they're the inventors of the product. I understand that they want to give their ad a personal touch, but they're so not cut out for this line of work. It takes two of them to do the work of one Billy Mays or Vince Shlomi, and they don't even do it that well. Is it really necessary for them to prattle on and on for more than half of the entire length of the commercial about how great they are for inventing this thing (again, a piece of rubber with a hole in it), and having multiple test subjects (including a future version of Nikki Sixx) agree that it's very useful? No, it isn't. This commercial peaked with the mwah-mwah trombone sound effects, and it should have ended at 1:50, if not sooner.
Although shortening it certainly would have helped, the sad truth is that, nowadays, if an infomercial product isn't being hawked by Billy or Vince, most of us aren't gonna call today. We're gonna delay. I know that using Vince may seem like a risk, ever since his recent problems with the law, but how great would it be to see Vince rolling up next to a hooker, leaning over to the passenger-side window to pay her, then dropping his money into the crevice between his seat and the console. Unreachable! Now, he's gonna get slap-chopped by an angry pimp! That wouldn't have happened if he'd had the Drop Stop!