Monday, January 19, 2009

Slap-Happy Vince

by BeckEye from The Pop Eye

Just when you thought that Vince (of ShamWow fame) was just to be a supernova, gradually disappearing until forgotten from the infomercial universe ruled by Billy Mays, he's returned to fight for his star status.

While nearly everything is hilariously wrong with the ShamWow infomercial, the new spot for the Slap Chop is just plain hilarious. It seems that Vince has realized what a tool he is, and is now parodying himself all for the glory of the Slap Chop.

Why this infomercial will sell 40 million Slap Chops:

1. Sex sells, and there are plenty of sexual innuendos to go around here. Such as...
:02 - You're gonna be in a great mood all day because you're gonna be slapping your troubles away.
:32 - This thing...this tuna? Looks boring. Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life.
:55 - You're gonna love my nuts.
1:04 - If I can do it with one finger, you guys can do it with your whole hand.
2. Vince will berate you like the fat, non-vegetable eating pig that you are if you don't buy this product!
:15 - Ya love salad, ya hate making it. You KNOW you hate making salads! That's why you don't have any salad in your diet! Hey, ears open, mouth shut!!Do NOT back-sass me! I will slap chop you to Kingdom Come! I'm Vince, dammit!
:22 - I love pizza too, but once in a while, get the veggies in. You Pizza the Hutt-looking bastard. Look at you, you've got pizza sauce all over your shirt, you worthless slob. Jesus, take a walk or something! Go to the gym once in a while! I know Tony Little, lemme hook you up with a Gazelle.
2:05 - Guys, we're gonna make America skinny slap at a time! I can slap all day, Tubby. And I have absolutely nowhere else to be. Just try me.
3. It pops open like a butterfly. Have you ever seen anything so beautiful??

4. All those other chopping machines on the market? Bacteria traps! Worthless! Fuhgettaboutit!!

5. At 1:35, while illustrating the above point, Vince tosses a competitor's product into the sink behind him. I have it on good authority that he made it on the first take. Do you think Billy Mays could've done that? Heck no! Vince is a pro, people!

6. Every time you cut an onion the old-fashioned way, you make Vince cry. You think about that now, you selfish, heartless, knife-wielding lunatics.

7. Did you see that onion skin come off at the 2-minute mark?? That was amazing! What do you mean you didn't see it? There was an arrow pointing right to it, you idiot! How much easier can the Slap Chop people make this for you? Oh, why don't you go eat another slice of your double cheese pizza, pig!

8. Vince has got more rhymes than Nipsy Russell. (2:30)

9. He's giving you a free Graty. Just take it and shut up.

10. YOU KNOW HE CAN'T DO THIS ALL DAY, RIGHT?? Time is of the essence, people. You following me? I think you are.

My only concern about this product is that it's not made in Germany and, therefore, will most likely fall apart after 2-3 uses.


Chris said...

Aw MAN! I was gonna write about this. But you did it better so I'll quit whining.

SkylersDad said...

I am disappointed you didn't touch the "Just bang it" comment by Vince!

I wish he would chop up his little stick on mic...

pistols at dawn said...

I love salad? It's like Vince doesn't know me at all.

I also love how he sells not just the slap chop, but a dream of a fitter me. Because the real reason I'm overweight is that I'm always eating pizza, but not putting veggies on top of it.

Also, the idea that I can stop throwing my money away at the ice cream store on $1 nut/oreo toppings when I could make them at home for ten cents? Finally, I can buy the $4 ice cream cone, hop in my car, race home, realize I don't have any nuts or Oreos, drive to the grocery and buy both, get home, pop them in my Slap thing, and throw the topping on my long-since melted ice cream and save a cool 90 cents like a champion. Brilliant.

"You're going to have an exciting life." If only, Vince. If only.

Dr Zibbs said...


i am playing outside said...

i'm crying. not because i'm laughing, and not because of onions. no, i'm crying because it was my lifelong goal to receive a free Graty in the mail. my dreams have come true, baby!

katrocket said...

Hilarious! Ok, is it just me, or is Vince getting slightly more handsome? He doesn't look as Moe Syklak-y as he used to. Maybe it's the soft "kitchen" lighting? or perhaps the SlapChop people hired a make-up artist?

Whatever, I might slap that.

Anonymous said...

I feel nothing but ashamed of myself.

I had no idea I resembled a Pizza the Hutt-looking bastard.

"Stop having a boring life," he says? Get outta my bedroom closet, Vince. That's just creepy.

red said...

FYI, Diablo Cody named Vince as one of her top things about 2008, but I heard about him here first. You all are so cool.

Kristi Mantoni said...

All I can say is SlapChopWow!!!

Captain Smack said...

I don't know why, but suddenly I'm hungry and horny. Damn!

Bubs said...

I am buying a dozen of these

Grant Miller said...

The Shamwow guy will be Time's 2009 "Man of the Year." Mark my words.

Mathdude said...

Yeah, I remember when I posted about Vince being way better than Billy Mays weeks ago...

BeckEye said...

Aw, Mathdude, you're so precious. Actually, the point of this post isn't that Vince is better than Billy Mays, because Kat posted that (with a fancy chart and everything) months ago.

Shouldn't you be doing some voodoo or paying off some NFL officials right about now?

dizzblnd said...

Yeah... I hate to tell him this... but the people that "invented" "slapchop" Simply painted over "Pampered Chef" (who no doubt stole it from somewhere else.

I came to you through "skylers dad".. he's a great guy!

Scarlet said...

Wow! Let me get this right. I wash, peel and chop the carrots to an acceptable size THEN I can chop with this?

I need one! As if I don't have enough to wash and clutter the kitchen.

Douchegirl said...

Great post! I seriously laughed out loud at the "You're gonna love my nuts!" line.

Who says that?